Change of plans

Recently I announced that I was going to be producing 6 series, with 2 episodes of each published every alternate week. The Circus Master, Professor Fang, Doctor Who, King Kong, Carlene the Jazz Vampire and The Savage Era

I will still be producing the 6 series, but I have decided to publish two episodes of Carlene the Jazz Vampire and The Savage Era every month instead.

The reason for this was because I would like more time to develop all 6 series, and also because I think if I wait every three weeks to produce an episode then it will take too long too finish one story of each

So I think its best to split them up this way. It means that Carlene and the Savage era will nto be starting until March. Though they will be less frequent each part will be considerably longer. There will not be a break this week however. Instead The Circus Master and Professor Fang will return this Saturday and Sunday.

Apologies for the change of schedule. When you are producing so many series you obviously want to make sure enough time can be devoted to all of them.

What Ruined Doctor Who: Part 1

Image result for Jodie Whittaker

Well its official now, Jodie Whittakers era has been a disaster. DVD sales are down, merchandise is virtually non existent, and the shows viewers have dropped almost every week since her first episode to under 4 million.

That’s with all the publicity, support and promotion the show could have, and it being placed in the best time slot. (Not only is Sunday night less competetive, but the show is also being shown in January, the best month for any tv show.)

Naturally fans have begun to hurl accusations at certain individuals and groups for ruining this once most wonderful of series.

Chris Chibnall, Jodie Whittaker and the SJW boogey men tend to get the most of the blame. I used to hold the SJWs solely responsible, but in truth now I think they were merely a symptom of the greater problems with the entire 21st century version of Doctor Who.

Ulltimately the 21st century version of Doctor Who never showed any respect to the original. It never attempted to carry on its story arcs, characterisation of the Doctor or other characters like the Master, the Daleks etc.

It was always in essence a remake, which would have been fine, except that it insisting on being a sequel in order to cash in on the originals huge success.

Sadly however unlike other fandoms that generally tend to reject unfaithful adaptations, Doctor Who fans have been quite unique in rolling over and taking the vandalisation of their favourite series.

Over the course of the next two articles, we will see how a particular fandom incrowd were able to dominate all areas of the Doctor Who franchise, not just the television series. We will see how this incrowd didn’t have the shows best interests at heart, how they nurtured a kind of self loathing fanboy mentality and spread lies, such as “Doctor Who is all about change, so all change is good”: and how these lies ultimately destroyed the very core concept of Doctor Who.

The Fitzroy Crowd and their takeover of the franchise

Image result for paul cornell steven moffat

Throughout the 90s when Doctor Who was off the air, a fandom incrowd began to take over all forms of Doctor Who related media. The book range, the magazine, the audios. This incrowd have often been referred to as the Fitzroy Crowd, as they all used to congregate at the Fitzroy pub. They included Russell T Davies, Steven Moffat, Paul Cornell, Nicholas Briggs, Mark Gatiss and Chris Chibnall.

The Fitzroy Crowd, contrary to popular belief were not the only people interested in reviving Doctor Who throughout the wilderness years. Terry Nation the co-creator of the Daleks pitched a version, as did Leonard Nimoy, the actor and director best known for playing Spock in Star Trek. Steven Spielberg even expressed an interest in the brand at one point.

See here.

“Leonard Nimoy is a very pleasant, courteous, soft-spoken and generous man, who had already invested a great deal of time in researching Doctor Who. He had accumulated a fairly extensive collection of videotapes, covering all seven incarnations of the Doctor. We spent a fruitful couple of hours discussing the very basis of the show – what makes Doctor Who Doctor Who – as well as the psychology of its hero, companions, and various off-the-wall casting ideas.”

-From the Nth Doctor book.

The Fitzroy Crowd however I feel had a slight advantage over the others as they had connections within the BBC. (Steven Moffat’s mother in law is Beryl Vertue, whilst Russell T Davies was close friends with Julie Gardner before making the revival.)

Of course that’s not to say it was entirely nepotism as to why they were handed the brand. Davies and Moffat had both produced award winning, successful shows prior to working on the new series. As Terrance Dicks himself said, getting ahead is both who you know, and what you know.

Still ultimately I think its fair to say that Davies and Moffats connections might have given them more of an edge than say Leonard Nimoy, who though more famous; would have undoubtedly been looked down on by the heads of the BBC, as the star of a silly sci fi series. (The heads of the BBC were known for their disdain for the genre in the 90s and 00s, which also undoubtedly contributed to Doctor Who’s long hiatus.)

Still the Fitzroy crowd in hindsight I don’t think were really the right people to bring the show back, despite the massive succes of the revival at first. To me the Fitzroy crowd have always been too cliquey and refused to ever allow contrary voices to get a look in.

This article from Lawrence Miles about Paul Cornell sums up the Fitzroy Crowd’s attitude towards their critics.

“But if all this monkey-posturing sounds absurd, then let’s put in the context of the late ’90s / early 2000s. You may remember a time, in the days before “Doctor Who fans” meant thirteen-year-olds, when the Virgin / BBC novels actually seemed important. The authors certainly thought they were important, and pride was their most valued possession. After all, the reason I gained a reputation as an unhealthy influence was that I broke what Keith Topping called “the unspoken code”, the Omerta-like law which held that New Adventures writers should all stick together in the face of fandom and not publicly criticise each others’ work. I say “Omerta”, but in practice, they behaved more like Medieval overlords than mafiosa: the elite have to form a united front, because otherwise, they’ll be revealed as weak, flabby individuals and the peasants will get ideas above their station. Oh, and you’re the peasants, by the way. When the new series began, those authors who were promoted to scriptwriter-level went from “overlords” to “royalty”, which is why my heartless attack on Mark Gatiss was received with the same shock as if a small-time landowner in the Middle Ages had just referred to the Prince of the Realm as a big spaz.

You think I’m exaggerating…? Then consider this. When Paul Cornell took me to task for the social faux-pas of having opinions, he seemed appalled that I was incapable of respecting the natural hierarchy, and asked whether there was anybody I ‘bent the knee’ to. Bent the knee…? What is this, geek feudalism? When I told him that I had no interest in serving or reigning, he asked me: ‘Do your followers know that?’ I found it horrifying that anyone could even think that way, and I still do.”

Now Lawrence Miles is in all fairness a biased source against the Fitzroy Crowd. He had a very big public falling out with most of them in the 00s, but still when you look at their interactions with people on twitter, or what the likes Davies himself has to say about his critics it becomes obvious that there is at least a grain of truth to Miles statements.

Here

“I do worry about being surrounded by yes-men. You’re right, it happens. […] I don’t think it’s happened to me yet. In the end, just as good writers are hard to find, so are good script editors, good producers and good execs. When you find good people like Julie and Phil, their sheer talent cancels out the risk of them yes-ing. I suppose the danger is not RTD And The Yes-Men, but a triumverate of people who are so similar that contrary opinions don’t get a look-in.”

Russell T Davies- The Writers Tale

With this in mind it becomes obvious that Doctor Who has become the vision of one fandom elite in all areas. The show, Big Finish, the books. Anyone who dislikes anything these people have to do with the show is cast out as a pariah from the fandom. Worse these people will never give up the brand it seems. When one of them stops working on the show, they will hand it over to one of their friends (who all think the same, as can be seen with Moffat and Chibnall.) As a result of this for all their talk of the show is all about change, it has become stagnated over the past 30 years to a greater extent than ever before.

Still a bigger problem lies in the fact that this fandom elite who everybody must “Bend the Knee too,” don’t actually care much for the original series at all. They have prevented it from returning as itself, peddled lies about the original that no one dare question, and have changed what the Doctor is in popular culture.

Anyone who disagrees with their opinions, like Doctor Who is all about change, a female Doctor is the best idea since Hartnell changed into Troughton etc. Then you are cast out of the fandom and franchise as a heretic.

The Fitzroy’s Crowd’s disdain for the original

Image result for 13th doctor missy

Steven Moffat and Chris Chibnall claim to be lifelong fans of the original, yet they turned Jon Pertwee and Roger Delgado’s characters into what you see above. Note: I’m not having a go at the person who did the drawing which is fine, just the men who made it possible for lesbian porn to be inspired by the man behind Worzel Gummidge and the Noodle Doodle Man.

Now I don’t think that the Fitzroy Crowd hated the original series and wanted to actively destroy it. I think they all probably did watch the classic era as children and have a nostalgic love for it, but ultimately I don’t think any of them have ever watched it since it was first aired.

Chris Chibnall outright admits in this interview here that he has never watched the classic era since it was on tv.

Chris Chibnall interview

I think the same is probably true for the rest of the Fitzroy Crowd. You can tell by their opinions of the Doctor, and their analysis of the show that they clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re trying to piece Doctor Who together from memory when they were children, and because nobody dares to question their opinions on anything then it becomes received wisdom.

For instance take a look at Moffat’s analysis of the character of the Doctor.

“We know him to be a sort of academic aristocrat who one day, on a simple moral imperative, erupts from the cloisters and roars through time and space on a mission to end all evil in the universe, unarmed and,if possible, politely.

Consider for a moment — as you would have to if you were casting this part — what kind of man makes a decision like that? He’s profoundly emotional (it’s a profoundly emotional decision), he’s idealistic (unarmed?? Not even a truncheon??), he feels the suffering of others with almost unbearable acuteness (or he’d have stayed at home like we all do when there s a famine or a massacre on the news), he’s almost insanely impulsive (I don’t think I need explain that one) and he is, above all, an innocent — because only an innocent would try to take on the entire cosmos and hope to persuade it to behave a little better.”

No one who has even a basic understanding of the Doctor would come to that conclusion. The Doctor it is said multiple times left Gallifrey because he wanted to explore the universe. He wanted to discover new life forms, new planets, learn the secrets of the universe as a scientist. He did NOT set out on a mission to save the universe. Furthermore far from being someone who feels the suffering of others, there are many times where the Doctor has to be forced into helping others. The Third Doctors entire era is practically him being forced to help others.

The Time Lords exile the Doctor to earth because they see it as being vulnerable to attack. He is put there to protect it as much as it is a punishment. The Doctor however still tries to leave during his exile, even though he knows the earth needs him. He even tries to leave during two crisis’! The Fourth Doctor similarly has to be forced and threatened with death into solving problems such as during the Key to Time story arc.

GUARDIAN: There are times, Doctor, when the forces within the universe upset the balance to such an extent that it becomes necessary to stop everything.
DOCTOR: Stop everything?
GUARDIAN: For a brief moment only.
DOCTOR: Ah.
GUARDIAN: Until the balance is restored. Such a moment is rapidly approaching. These segments must be traced and returned to me before it is too late, before the Universe is plunged into eternal chaos.
DOCTOR: Eternal chaos?
GUARDIAN: Eternal as you understand the term.
DOCTOR: Look, I’m sure there must be plenty of other Time Lords who’d be delighted to
GUARDIAN: I have chosen you.
DOCTOR: Yes, I was afraid you’d say something like that. Ah! You want me to volunteer, isn’t that it?
GUARDIAN: Precisely.
DOCTOR: And if I don’t?
GUARDIAN: Nothing.
DOCTOR: Nothing? You mean nothing will happen to me?
GUARDIAN: Nothing at all. Ever.

(The Tardis materialises amongst the ruins and the Doctor rushes out. Thunder rolls.)
DOCTOR: Come out, meddlesome, interfering idiots. I know you’re up there so come on out and show yourselves!
(Sarah sneaks out cautiously with a torch.)
DOCTOR: Messing about with my Tardis. Dragging us a thousand parsecs off course.
SARAH: Oi, have you gone potty? Who are you shouting at?
DOCTOR: The Time Lords, who else? Now, you see? You see? They haven’t even got the common decency to come out and show their ears.
SARAH: They’re probably afraid of getting them boxed, the way you’re carrying on.
DOCTOR: It’s intolerable. I won’t stand for any more of it.
SARAH: Oh look, why can’t it have just gone wrong again?
DOCTOR: What?
SARAH: The Tardis.
DOCTOR: What? Do you think I don’t know the difference between an internal fault and an external influence? Oh, no, no, no. There’s something going on here, some dirty work they won’t touch with their lily white hands. Well, I won’t do it, do you hear

The next segment is from Spearhead From Space where the Doctor already knows aliens have landed on earth.

(Liz give the key to the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: I’m afraid he’s going to be awfully cross with you.
LIZ: Well, if you’re quick, he mightn’t even miss it.
(The Doctor opens the Tardis door.)
LIZ: It didn’t turn when the Brigadier tried to open it.
DOCTOR: Well, that’s because the lock has a metabolism detector.
(The Doctor enters the Tardis. The Brigadier enters the lab.)
BRIGADIER: Miss Shaw, where’s that key. You’ve given it to him.
LIZ: He needed some equipment.
BRIGADIER: Equipment I had no idea you could be so gullible. That’s an excuse. We shan’t see him again.
LIZ: Oh, what do you mean©
BRIGADIER: Listen.
(The Tardis dematerialisation sequence starts, but it is stuttering.)
BRIGADIER: He’s going.
(There is the sound of a small explosion inside the Tardis, some smoke comes out and the noise grinds to a halt. The Doctor emerges, coughing.)
DOCTOR: Just testing. I wanted to see if the controls
LIZ: Doctor, you tricked me.
DOCTOR: Yes. The temptation was too strong, my dear. It’s just that I couldn’t bear the thought of being tied to one planet and one time. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.
BRIGADIER: It won’t. Give me the key, Doctor.

Ultimately the Doctor is a hedonistic character. Someone who just wants to live life by his own rules and hates being forced to do anything he doesn’t want to. He does still have a strong moral sense, so if he sees a problem, most of the time he will interfere. (Though many times the Doctor is also just trying to help himself after his curiosity has gotten him into trouble.) Still he is not someone on a mission to save the universe.

As for being unarmed, this is yet another gross misunderstanding of the Doctors character. The Doctor is a scientist first and foremost who wants to simply explore, so he naturally doesn’t like weapons. Still far from being idealistic, the Doctor is practical and understands that sometimes he has to use weapons to protect himself and the people around him.

Case in point.

DOCTOR: Professor, you don’t happen to have an elephant gun, do you?
LITEFOOT: Elephants? Why on Earth do you want an elephant gun?
DOCTOR: We’re about to embark on a very dangerous mission.
LITEFOOT: Well, I’ve a Chinese fowling piece if that’s any good. Used for duck, mainly.
(The Doctor looks at the long-barreled weapon.)
DOCTOR: Made in Birmingham. Yes, that’s the main requirement. Could you get me a small boat?

Steven Moffat also said that he wanted to recapture the dynamic of Pertwee’s Doctor and Delgado’s Master with Gomez/Capaldi (I’ll give you a minute to laugh at that) by depicting the Doctor and the Master as friends.

Moffat said that not once did Pertwee and Delgado play the Doctor and the Master as anything but friends.

Here’s the quote.

“I was looking back at the old Jon Pertwee/Roger Delgado ones and what’s fascinating about that is that they only ever play it as friends. They never, ever play it as enemies at all. They’re just two gentlemen having fun with each other. The Doctor’s best friend is a murdering psychopath, that’s actually quite fun.”

Here are some actual interactions between Pertwee and Delgado.

MASTER: I hope I’m not interrupting anything important.
DOCTOR: No, no, indeed not. You’ve come here to kill me, of course.
MASTER: But not without considerable regret.
DOCTOR: How very comforting.
MASTER: You see, Doctor, you’re my intellectual equal. Almost. I have so few worthy opponents. When they’ve gone, I always miss them.
DOCTOR: How did you get in here.
MASTER: Oh, don’t be trivial, Doctor. I see you’ve been working on the Nestene autojet. My own small contribution to their invasion plan.
DOCTOR: Vicious, complicated and inefficient. Typical of your way of thinking.
MASTER: Now, come, come, Doctor. Death is always more frightening when it strikes invisibly.
DOCTOR: Tell me, how do you intend to activate these flowers.
MASTER: Oh, by a radio impulse which the Nestenes will send. I shall open the channel for them. We’ve distributed four hundred and fifty thousand of these daffodils, so when four hundred and fifty thousand people fall dead, the country will be disrupted.
DOCTOR: And in the confusion the Nestenes will land their invasion force.
MASTER: Exactly. It’s a shame that you can’t be here to enjoy the chaos and destruction with me. Goodbye, Doctor.
(Jo walks in just as the Master was about to shoot the Doctor. As the Master is distracted, the Doctor grabs something from the bench.)
JO: You were quite right
DOCTOR: Wait! Don’t shoot.
MASTER: Doctor, you do disappoint me. We Time Lords are expected to face death with dignity.
JO: Oh, no!
DOCTOR: Don’t worry. He’s not going to kill me.
MASTER: That is your last mistake.
DOCTOR: If you fire that thing, you will never be able to leave this planet.
MASTER: You’re bluffing on an empty hand, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I’m not bluffing and my hand, as you can see, is not empty. If you kill me, you will destroy the dematerialisation circuit from your own Tardis. You recognise it, I feel sure.
MASTER: Where did you get that.

See how the Master is willing to kill him and the Doctor has to genuinely bluff his way out? Hey maybe this is just one out of character moment for Delgado?

The Daemons

MASTER: You realise, of course, that you’re a doomed man, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh, I’m a dead man. I knew that as soon as I came through that door, so you’d better watch out. You see, I’ve nothing to lose, have I?
MASTER: Enough! Azal, destroy him!
AZAL: Who is this?!
MASTER: My enemy and yours, Azal. Destroy him!
AZAL: This is the one we spoke of. He too is not of this planet.
MASTER: He is a meddler and a fool.
AZAL: He is not a fool, yet he has done a foolish thing coming here. Why did you come?
DOCTOR: I came to talk to you.                                                                                                                   
DOCTOR: To try and make you listen to me.
AZAL: Why should I? I see no consequence of value.
MASTER: Then kill him. Kill him now!
AZAL: Very well.
(Azal aims his hand at the Doctor.)
JO: No!            

The Time Monster                                                                                                                                             

DOCTOR: Greetings to you, Krasis. Any friend of the Master’s is an enemy of mine.
MASTER: Oh come, Doctor, must we play games? I take it you have something to say to me before I destroy you?
DOCTOR: Yes, I most certainly have.

MASTER: Miss Grant?
JO [on scanner]: What’s happened to the Doctor? You must help him!
MASTER: Ah, he’s beyond my help, my dear. He’s beyond anybody’s help.
JO [on scanner]: You mean that thing, that, that creature really swallowed him up?
MASTER: Ah, that’s a nice point. Yes and no. Yes, it engulfed him. No, it didn’t actually eat him up. He’s out there in the time vortex and there he’s going to stay.
JO [on scanner]: Then he is alive?
MASTER: Well, if you can call it that. Alive for ever in an eternity of nothingness. To coin a phrase, a living death.
JO [on scanner]: That that’s the most cruel, the most wicked thing I ever heard.
MASTER: Thank you, my dear. Now, what are we going to do about you, though? You’re an embarrassment to me. As indeed is that antiquated piece of junk of the Doctor’s. Now let me see
JO [on scanner]: I don’t really care anymore. Do what you like, but just get it over with.
MASTER: Your word is my command. Goodbye, Miss Grant!
(The two Tardises move in and out of each other in the vortex. On the scanner, Jo’s image sways then blurs as the two time machines finally separate.)

Episode Five

The Sea Devils

DOCTOR: How do you know about them?
MASTER: Oh, from the Time Lord’s files.
DOCTOR: More stolen information?
MASTER: Naturally.
DOCTOR: Well, why do you want to contact them?
MASTER: Those reptiles, Doctor, were once the rulers of this Earth. And with my help, they can be so again.                                                                                                                                                   
DOCTOR: I still don’t see why you want to help them. What can you possibly gain?
MASTER: The pleasure of seeing the human race exterminated, Doctor. The human race of which you are so fond. Believe me, that’ll be a reward in itself.

The Mind of Evil

JO: But I don’t see why you’re so upset. If you give him back the circuit and he hands over the missile
DOCTOR: You just don’t understand, do you, Jo? Once he gets that circuit back he’s free to roam through time and space. We’d never catch him.
JO: Then you’ll just have to give in. The Master’s got the missile and all we’ve got is this wretched machine.
DOCTOR: Jo, will you stop stating the obvious. What did you say?
JO: I said all we’ve got is this machine.
DOCTOR: Well, that’s it. That’s the answer. We’ve got the machine and we’ve got our friend, Barnham.
JO: I don’t understand.
DOCTOR: With a little help from you, old chap, we can destroy this machine and the Master at the same time.

[The Master’s Tardis]

MASTER: Ah, Doctor. I was afraid you’d be worried about me, so I thought I’d let you know that I’m alive and well.

[Prison Governor’s office]

DOCTOR: I’m extremely sorry to hear that.

Colony in Space

DOCTOR: Now you stay here! I’ve got to try and stop this senseless killing.
MASTER: It won’t do any good, Doctor. They won’t listen to you. It’s always the innocent bystander who suffers eventually.
DOCTOR: And what’s that supposed to mean?
MASTER: (leveling a gun) I’m afraid you’re both about to become the victims of stray bullets

Frontier in Space

(The Master is in the cage with Jo.)
MASTER: Why? What’s his plan?
JO: He wanted to get to the flight deck. He was outside the ship when you made your course correction!
MASTER: Was he now. How very unfortunate (laughs). By now he’s probably thousands of miles away, swimming around in space by himself. But just in case he isn’t, you come with me, Miss Grant. Come on.

Claws of Axos

MASTER: Stop him! Don’t you understand. He’s committing suicide and he’s taking us all with him! He’s doing this for Earth, not for you. He’s putting you all in a time loop and you’ll never get out of it! Never!

DOCTOR: Well, it’s perfectly simple, Brigadier. A time loop is, er. Well, it’s a time loop. One passes continually through the same points in time. Passes through the same. Yes. Well, the Axons said they wanted time travel and now they’ve got it.
FILER: What about the Master.
DOCTOR: Well, I sincerely hope he’s with them.
FILER: Hope.
DOCTOR: Well, I can’t be absolutely sure. I was pretty busy at the time. But I’m ninety percent certain though.
FILER: How much.
DOCTOR: Well, pretty certain. Well, I suppose he could have got away. Just.

Yep the Master and the Doctor were never portrayed as enemies in Delgado’s time. Except in literally every single Delgado story!

It is true that the two were meant to have been friends years ago, and the Doctor does express some regret at how the Masters turned out. Also in Colony in Space the Master offers to let the Doctor help him build his better world.

However the Doctor and Masters past friendship is actually only mentioned in a grand total of one story of the entire classic era, the Sea Devils. It is never presented as interfering in eithers feud with one another in the present. Both may have regrets, but both are perfectly willing to kill the other if need be from the start and the more their feud goes on, the more they develop a genuine hatred for each other that eclipses their former friendship.

Furthermore in Colony in Space the Master’s offer to the Doctor is less about the Doctor and more about his beliefs in building a better galaxy.

The Master throughout the Delgado era wants to rule over planets like the earth because he believes that under his rule he can make them a better place.

See here.

AZAL: I answered your call because the time was come for my awakening. The time has come for the completion of the experiment or its destruction.
MASTER: Then fulfill your mission by granting the ultimate power to me. Who else is there strong enough to give these humans the leadership they need?
DOCTOR: I seem to remember somebody else speaking like that. What was the bounder’s name? Hitler. Yes, that’s right, Adolf Hitler. Or was it Genghis Khan?
MASTER: Azal, I have the will. You yourself said so.

At first he thinks that the Doctor can help him build this better world, as he is on a similar wavelength (another renegade Time Lord.) When he finds out that the Doctor will not only never help him, but is actually a bigger threat. The Master becomes determined to destroy the Doctor, which leads to their feud intensifying.

Moffat however has clearly never watched these stories since the early 70s but remembers vaguely that Delgado and Pertwee were friends in real life and assumes it must have been that way on the show. This explains his ridiculous reading of their relationship. Two guys who regularly tried to shoot each other, blow each other up, stab each other etc, were just two old gentlemen having a laugh!

Similarly the Doctors phobia about guns as we have seen is something that no one who actually watched the show could possibly think. Chris Chibnall openly said in a recent interview that the Doctor never throws punches or fires bullets.

Its not like these are isolated incidents. Part of Jon Pertwee’s entire Doctor was that he was an excellent fighter.

Then there was the moment the Fitzroy crowd actually came third in a Doctor Who trivia quiz.

Steven Moffat Comes Third in Doctor Who Quiz

Clearly the Fitzroy crowd have no knowledge of or interest in the Classic Show. They liked it as children, and they like some of the ideas and characters such as the Daleks, but ultimately they see Classic Who as a boring, embarassing, dated old show that they fixed.

See here for Moffat’s opinions of the show in the 90s.

Back when I was in my early twenties, I thought Doctor Who was the scariest programme on television. I had one particular Who-inspired nightmare which haunts me to this day — except it wasn’t a nightmare at all, it was something that happened to me on a regular basis. I’d be sitting watching Doctor Who on a Saturday, absolutely as normal… but I’d be in the company of my friends!!

Being a fan is an odd thing, isn’t it? I was in little doubt — though I never admitted it, even to myself — that Doctor Who was nowhere near as good as it should have been, but for whatever reason I’d made that mysterious and deadly emotional connection with the show that transforms you into a fan and like a psychotically devoted supporter of a floundering football club, I turned out every Saturday in my scarf, grimly hoping the production team would finally score.

Of course my friends all knew my devotion to the Doctor had unaccountably survived puberty and had long since ceased to deride me for it. I think (I hope) they generally considered me someone of reasonable taste and intelligence and decided to indulge me in this one, stunningly eccentric lapse. And sometimes, on those distant Saturday afternoons before domestic video my nightmare would begin. I’d be stuck out somewhere with those friends and I’d realise in a moment of sweaty panic that I wasn’t going to make it home in time for the programme—or worse, they’ d be round at my house not taking the hint to leave — so on my infantile insistence we’d all troop to the nearest television and settle down to watch, me clammy with embarrassment at what was to come, my friends tolerant, amused and even open-minded.

And the music would start. And I’d grip the arms of my chair. And I’d pray! Just this once, I begged, make it good. Not great, not fantastic —just good. Don’t, I was really saying, show me up.

And sometimes it would start really quite well. There might even be a passable effects shot (there were more of those than you might imagine) and possibly a decent establishing scene where this week’s expendable guest actors popped outside to investigate that mysterious clanking/groaning/beeping/slurping sound before being found horribly killed/gibbering mad an episode later.

At this point I might actually relax a little. I might even start breathing and let my hair unclench. And then it would be happen. The star of the show would come rocketing through the door, hit a shuddering halt slap in the middle of the set and stare at the camera like (and let’s be honest here) a complete moron.

I’d hear my friends shifting in their chairs. I could hear sniggers tactfully suppressed. Once one of them remarked (with touching gentleness, mindful of my feelings) that this really wasn’t terribly good acting.

Of course, as even they would concede, Tom Baker (for it was he) had been good once — even terrific — but he had long since disappeared up his own art in a seven-year-long act of self-destruction that took him from being a dangerous young actor with a future to a sad, mad old ham safely locked away in a voice-over booth.

Which brings us, of course, to Peter Davison (for it was about to be him). I was appalled when he was cast. I announced to my bored and blank-faced friends that Davison was far too young, far too pretty, and far, far too wet to play television’s most popular character (as, I deeply regret to say, I described the Doctor). Little did I realise, back in 1982, that after years of anxious waiting on the terraces in my front room, my home team were about to score — or that Davison was about to do something almost never before seen in the role of the Doctor. He was going to act.

Let’s get something straight, because if you don’t know now it’s time you did. Davison was the best of the lot. Number One! It’s not a big coincidence or some kind of evil plot, that he’s played more above-the-title lead roles on the telly than the rest of the Doctors put together. It’s because-get this!-he’s the best actor.

You don’t believe me? Okay, let’s check out the opposition, Doctor-wise (relax, I’ll be gentle).

1. William Hartnell. Look, he didn’t know his lines! (okay, fairly gentle. It wasn’t his fault) and it’s sort of a minimum requirement of the lead actor dial he knows marginally more about what’s going to happen next than the audience. In truth, being replaceable was his greatest gift to the series. Had the first Doctor delivered a wonderful performance they almost certainly would not have considered a recast and the show would have died back in the sixties.

2. Patrick Troughton. Marvellous! Troughton, far more than the dispensable, misremembered Hartnell, was the template for the Doctors to come and indeed his performance is the most often cited as precedent for his successors. Trouble is, the show in those days was strictly for indulgent ten-year-olds (and therefore hard to judge as an adult). Damn good, though, and Davison’s sole competitor.

3. Jon Pertwee. The idea of a sort of Jason King with a sillier frock isn’t that seductive, really, is it? In fairness he carried a certain pompous gravitas and was charismatic enough to dominate the proceedings as the Doctor should. Had his notion of the character been less straightforwardly heroic he might have pulled off something a little more interesting. His Worzel Gummidge, after all,is inspired and wonderful.

4. Tom Baker. Thunderingly effective at the start, even if his interpretation did seem to alter entirely to fit this week’s script. (Compare, say, THE SEEDS OF DOOM and THE CITY OF DEATH. Is this supposed to be the same person?) I think I’ve said quite enough already about his sad decline so let’s just say that it’s nice to see him back on top form in Medics. Well, is was while it lasted.

5. Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy. Miscast and floundering. Neither made much impression on the role and none at all on the audience. Or at least on me.

Is it because Davison doesn’t fit the established, middle-aged image of the Time Lord — even though, with twelve regenerations the Doctor must be a rather young Gallifreyan with, we know, a definitively youthful, rebellious outlook? Is it that some fans had actually latched on to tackier, more juvenile style of the earlier seasons and actually missed that approach? Whatever the explanation, if it’s possible for anyone to watch something like KINDA and not realise the show was suddenly in a whole different class then I find that slightly worrying. Perhaps — no definitely — there’s something about being a fan that skews your critical judgements.”

Now in all fairness to Moffat he did refute some of these criticisms. People’s opinions change over time (my opinion of New Who has become more negative for instance in the last few years.) Still I can’t help but think that Steven Moffat deep down still feels this way towards the Classic era.

Look at his depiction of the First Doctor in Capaldi’s last story. Here he rewrote the First Doctor to be a sexist, sexual braggard!

This is a shameful misrepresentation of the character to 21st century audiences. The first Doctor was never depicted as a sexist. His era actually featured many strong, brave female characters such as Barbara and Sara Kingdom, both of whom the Doctor never treated as inferior or less than the men around him.

The Doctor could be condescending to Susan, but that was because Susan was his grand daughter and 15 years old! The Dalek Invasion of Earth depicts the Doctor as still viewing Susan as a child only to realise at the end that she is now a woman, and has outgrown him. The line about how she needs a jolly good smacked bottom, is meant to be embarassing as it shows the Doctor still viewing Susan as a troublesome little girl.

Moffat however completely takes it out of context and has the Doctor say the same thing to Bill, a 20 something woman he has never met before! This almost makes the Doctor look like a dirty old man. Its one thing to still view your teenage grand daughter that you raised as a little girl, its another to walk up to an obviously adult woman you don’t know and threaten to spank her! (The fact that he earlier boasted about the members of the fairer sex he’s known, like Al Bundy would, just makes it worse.)

Steven Moffat is far from the only member of the Fitzroy crowd to trash the original.

Russell T Davies outright said that the original was an utter joke until he and David Tennant came along.

See here.

It’s hard to express the joy of that. For 20 years, this thing was a joke. It was slightly embarrassing admitting liking it. In fact, very embarrassing. You’d see comedians taking the piss out of it. It would crop up on I Love the 60s shows, where they would make it look like rubbish. And to see it being what it always was in our hearts is just amazing. You mentioned it in the same sentence as James Bond. My God, that’s impossible!

Can you feel the love Russell T Davies has for the original series?

Mark Gatiss similarly said in a recent interview that if the revival had not come along, then the original would have been forgotten about as it didn’t hold up to modern audiences.

With “fans” like this, who the fuck needs haters? Seriously what can a hater do to the original that the Fitzroy Crowd haven’t? Say it doesn’t hold up? Insult its characters and the actors who played them? Create a narrative that the original was a total joke that has been accepted by the press?

I think most of the Fitzroy Crowd simply saw the show as being a potential cash cow that could further their careers. Russell T Davies for instance originally pitched Torchwood as a series before Doctor Who called Excalibur, but when it was rejected he decided to spin it off from Doctor Who.

Now the narrative is often that the Fitzroy Crowd were all big shot writers who were taking a risk in producing an embarassing old show like DW.

Sadly the rest of fandom buys into their lies, but the truth of the matter is that whilst Doctor Who in the 90s was no longer a mainstream series, it was still a huge brand.

I myself grew up in the 90s. I was born in 1991 after the original series finished. I was introduced to it through video releases and I was far from the only person my age who enjoyed it. Plenty of my friends enjoyed the original series and I was never teased for liking it. Obviously everyone’s experience is different and I don’t doubt some people were ridiculed for liking it.

Doctor Who is a sci fi and fantasy series, and sci fi and fantasy sadly have a negative stigma attached to them. Even today with the record breaking success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, sci fi is still seen as a niche genre in some respects.

Yes shallow morons on panel shows (tv made by idiots for idiots) laughed at Doctor Who in the 90s, but that doesn’t mean that millions of other people didn’t like it.

Incidentally even today people on panel shows and other comedy series still ridicule Doctor Who. Look at this clip from the Australian version of Gogglebox where they absolutely ridicule the 21st century Doctor Who.

If this above clip was from a 90s show then it would be used as proof that nobody ever liked Doctor Who during that decade by the Fitzroy Crowd. Face facts the type of people on these shows are never going to love Doctor Who. If its a fad for a short while, like during the Dalekmania craze, or when it was first brought back during the Tennant era, they might say they like it for a short period, but ultimately they will always view sci fi as a silly, childish genre.

During the 90s Doctor Who still had a larger following than the overwhelming majority of genre series (save possibly Star Trek.) In 2002 when the British public were asked which old series they would most like to see come back, Doctor Who topped the poll with the majority of the vote( beating out Blackadder, Fawlty Towers and Dad’s Army.) Most of the people who voted were under the age of 20, and therefore born during the time of Doctor Who’s supposed decline.

See here.

Jump to 5:20 to see the Radio Times poll.

In 2002 the Doctor was also voted the greatest tv character in a poll for SFX magazine, beating out various characters in then current, popular series such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Farscape among others.

See here.

The Doctor Transcends Time To Be Voted The Best Character

Doctor Who is Sci Fi Favourite

Furthermore every single Doctor Who story that existed was released on video during the 90s and the 00s. If there had been absolutely no demand for them, why would the BBC (who had no love for the series) release obscure and poorly recieved stories like Underworld?

Even compilation videos like the Pertwee Years were best sellers. See here. Jump to 4 minutes in to see Pertwee talk about its success.

Its worth noting that even today Classic Who still maintains a devoted audience. Every single year Classic Who outsells New Who on DVD.

See here, the best selling tv series on DVD and Blue Ray in the United Kingdom for both 2015 and 2017. Classic Who ranks considerably higher than New Who for both years.

Classic Who Outsells New Who 2017

Classic Who Outsells New Who 2015

Once again its clearly mostly young people who are buying Classic Who DVD’s as the rest of the top ten tv series are all modern programmes.

Furthermore anything Doctor Who related on television was a massive success during the 90s too. Dimensions in Time, the notoriously reviled Eastenders crossover shown in 1993, pulled in over 13 million viewers. The 96 movie contrary to popular belief was not a flop either. It received a positive critical reception at the time and pulled in over 9 million viewers (almost as many as Rose, the first episode of the revival.)

Its also worth noting that until Voyage of the Damned, the first episode of the 4th series of the Russell T Davies era; Rose the first episode of the new series was also the highest rated.

So clearly Classic Who still had a massive following and does still hold up to modern audiences. Obviously I’m not saying that Classic Who could still be a mainstream series (What show from even the 90s could still be shown on primetime mainstream television?) Still to people who love sci fi and fantasy of which there are millions, Classic Who holds up as much as any other genre classic.

Furthermore given how fondly in was remembered by the general public, who’s to say that a more updated version of Classic Who with better practical effects couldn’t have pulled in millions of viewers too?

Far from being a dead show that Russell T Davies was taking a risk bringing back, it was a sleeping giant that he and the rest of the Fitzroy Crowd monopolised for themselves, used to boost their own careers and launch their own projects such as Torchwood/Excalibur.

Among the other ways the Fitzroy Crowd have attempted to down Classic Who’s success is claiming that it never had an overseas following, and that women never enjoyed Doctor Who until they came along.

The narrative is that Doctor Who was NEVER popular abroad until the Steven Moffat era. Critics and fans will often make out that Doctor Who was totally obscure in places like America until Matt Smith, which is demonstrably not true.

Doctor Who first caught on in popularity in the late 70s, early 80s. At one point in the 80s its popularity in America was greater than it was in Britain! In America DW’s viewers from 1984 on were over 9 million, whilst they generally tended to hover at 7 million in the UK  (until the 86 cancellation where they dropped.)

The Doctor Who fanclub of America was also the largest in the world throughout the 80s.

The shows popularity faded in the late 80s due to the BBC raising the prices of the stories to the point where no one could afford to buy them. This was part of the BBC’s calculated attempt to finish the show in the late 80s. (Which also included slashing its budget, giving it no publicity, putting it opposite Coronation Street etc.)

See here.

Still it nevertheless remained a cult favourite in America on a par with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Lost In Space. The character of the Doctor (or rather the 4th Doctor) became recognisable to the general population, as did other icons from the series such as the TARDIS and the Daleks.

There were many loving references to the series on American tv in shows such as the Simpsons and Futurama throughout the 90s and 00s. (The character of Leela was partially inspired by and named after Leela from Doctor Who.)

Even to this day whenever an image of the Doctor is used on America tv it’s almost always Tom Baker rather than any of the New Doctors.

See here.

Even when Sheldon is talking with his girlfriend called AMY, then its still Tom Baker they use as he is more recognisable.

Image result for the big bang theory Sheldon 4th doctor

Image result for the simpsons 4th doctor

Its hilarious that even with these references we routinely get told that Doctor Who only caught on in America from the New Series onwards.

See here.

Aside from America, Doctor Who also had large cult followings in Japan, Australia and New Zealand. It was in fact shown in over 80 countries around the world.

The revival has not actually enjoyed more popularity in America than the classic era. Both are cult series in America that have enjoyed success by the standards of cult series, but neither are what you would call mainstream hits. (New Who’s viewing figures at the height of its popularity in America were barely over 2 million.) However New Who’s success is beefed up by the media, whilst Classic Who’s is done down to the point where fans who don’t know any better, assume the classic series was completely obscure Stateside until Moffat came along.

It was harder to sell series to other countries and develop followings abroad during the time of the Classic series too. No streaming service, no internet, and no channels like BBC America. A series had to actually be sold back then, and for Classic Who to be seen in 80 countries and make the millions it did for the BBC.

As for female fans, well its true that the classic era of Doctor Who was overall more of a guys show. On average men prefer sci fi to women. The reason for this is most likely because sci fi is generally perceived in popular culture to be an action genre, and men on average prefer action movies.

Actual genre fans know that sci fi can come in various different forms, but still the stigma persists and so women on average are not drawn to the genre as often as men.

Still women do need escapism and fantasy too. I think that whilst there is a grain of truth to it, the idea of women not liking sci fi is greatly exaggerated and is perhaps more of a self fulfilling prophecy.

Doctor Who meanwhile I think was able to overcome the stigma of being just an action series for women, due to the fact that its leading man was certainly not a conventional action lead. Even in Pertwee’s time. At a first glance, Pertwee who is much older is not going to seem like a conventional leading man. Doctor Who’s massive mainstream popularity from the 60s to the 80s also ensured that it became a part of British popular culture like few other genre series, and thus was more accessible to women.

Throughout the 60s, 70s and 80s, Doctor Who was a family show, watched by fathers, mothers and little boys and little girls. On the 1970s Documentary, Whose Doctor Who, which is collected on the DVD release of The Talons of Weng Chiang; just as many young girls are interviewed as young boys, and just as many mothers are spoken to as fathers as representatives of DW’s core audience.

The competition winner from Doctor Who magazine was on set today, a 15-year-old girl. When I was a kid, 15-year-old girls didn’t watch Doctor Who.

-David Tennant

A surprising number of American Whovians are women. Joan Paquette a legal secretary from Boston is attracted to Doctor Who’s bumbling charm and mastery of the impossible. Says Graphic Designer Jan Scuza of Cambridge Mass, the Doctor is a humanist hero who fulfills a need in our technological society. Notes Barbara Shewchuk 28, a stenogropher from Bridgeport, Pa “The fact that Doctor Who cares about all life forms shows that you can trust him”

-Extract from Time Magazine in the early 80s.

Throughout the 90s when DW became more niche, then most of its fanbase did tend to be men in the UK. In America however throughout the 80s and the 90s, over 80 percent of its fanbase were young women. (Remember that in America it was more popular in the 80s than it was in the UK.)

Once again however these female Classic era fans are erased from history just as often as 90s era fans like me are because we don’t fit the Fitzroy did it all narrative.

Now just to be clear I am not trying to do down the Fitzroy Crowd’s success. Classic Doctor Who had a huge audience in the 00s, and Doctor Who was still a big brand. Still had the revival not captured the publics imagination on its own steam, then the nostalgia for the original would have faded within a year or so. Added to that the revival has managed to develop its own cult following in places like America, made up of many people who never saw the original series. It also has to be said that Matt Smith is unquestionably the second most recognised Doctor in America too after Tom Baker. Chances are if its not an image of Tom Baker they will use for the Doctor, it will be one of Matt Smith.

I’m more than happy to give the revival the success its due. The problem is however that the Fitzroy Crowd have not been happy to give the original credit for its success. The narrative that they have created is that the original was only ever a niche thing, liked by nerdy men (not that there is anything wrong with that!) Until they came along.

It would be like if Chris Nolan came along and said that nobody had ever heard of Batman until he directed The Dark Knight.  The reason for this however is because it helps the Fitzroy’s lies to become more accepted by the fandom, as it becomes a case of “Well if it wasn’t for us then the show would just be an embarassing little niche thing, only liked by nerds, so you have to go along with everything we say.” Which leads onto my next point.

Self Loathing Fanboys

Image result for Paul Cornell

The curse of any fandom is the self loathing fanboy.

The self loathing fanboy will usually be from a more upper middle class background, and will have been teased by people when he was younger for liking sci fi. As a result he will be desperate above all else for it to be accepted and the most popular tv show on earth.

Now fair enough we are all like this to some extent. We all seek acceptance, and we all want the things we love to get their due.

Still the self loathing fanboy is so desperate for acceptance that he will be happy to make any concessions to what he thinks are the it crowd, just to see his favourite show, character, be popular.

Whilst there are self loathing fanboys in every fandom, Doctor Who is sadly rife with them for many reasons.

Ironically a large part of that is because Doctor Who was more successful than most other genre series, and because it later received a far worse treatment from the media.

Most genre series are lucky to last a few years. Firefly, Dollhouse, Randall and Hopkirk deceased, were all axed after one year, whilst even the likes of Star Trek, Lost in Space and Blake’s 7 all only lasted three or four years.

The likes of Buffy, and Xena meanwhile were able to have decent runs, but they were shown on very small channels and only ever became big cult series. Joss Whedon even said that if Buffy were shown on a mainstream channel, its viewers would have seen it cancelled (as was the case with Firefly that was shown on a larger network.)

Classic Who however was shown on the mainstream British tv channel in the best time slot. It was one of the most popular British televisions series in general throughout the 60s and the 70s and even the early 80s. Unlike other sci fi series, which sadly are depicted as being just a thing for young men in the media. Doctor Who broke down all barriers. Mothers, fathers, little boys and little girls, and old grannies and grandfathers all gathered round to watch it.

When the show became more niche in the 90s, its fans weren’t equipped to handle it. All big franchises popularity waxes and wanes over the years. No one can remain at the top forever. This is why the most important audience to get are the cult audience who are going to stick with you no matter what.

Again take a look at Batman. Batman was a huge sensation in the 60s, only to drop back to obscurity until the 1989 film after which it was a sensation until the late 90s, only to fade again until the Nolan movies. It then went through another bad patch after the Nolan movies until the Joker in 2019.

Throughout it all however the character has remained a recognizable part of popular culture and maintained a devoted fanbase who have kept him alive.

Doctor Who was exactly the same throughout the 90s and the 00s, but sadly unlike Batman fans, DW fans weren’t equipped to deal with it. Batman had after all begun as a more niche character, so when he went back to being one, Batman fans attitude was “well we were fine before, we’ll be fine now.”

The same applies for Star Trek fans. Star Trek until the 80s was a niche thing, and after its mainstream popularity died in the 00s, their attitude again was “we got by in the 70s we can do it again.”

With Doctor Who however because it never had a period of being niche before its cancellation, they just couldn’t cope. They couldn’t bare it just being another cult series (even if it was the most popular cult series alongside Star Trek!) They couldn’t bare the thought that more casual viewers might not be as interested in it anymore, now that it wasn’t current.

In all fairness to Doctor Who fans however, the show also did have a harder time from the media in the 90s and 00s than say Star Trek ever did.

You see from the 90s on, most comedians, particularly in Britain were cowards. They only ever went after targets that the media said were safe to go after, from celebrities that the papparazzi were harrassing, to religious groups that were safe to poke fun at, to unpopular political leaders.

In order to appear edgy however, these comedians would be ridicously nasty to these easy targets.

I have already written an article exposing these comedians cowardice and bullying nature.

If you have the time please check it out. I talk about their shameful treatment of Doctor Who towards the end, but I’d recommend reading the other sections to get an idea of how these bullies work.

Why Modern Comedians Are Cowards

Sadly due to how much the BBC and the media hated the classic series, then it became an easy target for these hack comedians. Their treatment of it, much like their treatment of other vulnerable targets such as Amy Winehouse went beyond the pale. Its one thing to make a light hearted joke about a show being nerdy, or cheesy as is often the case with Star Trek. Its another to get the person who actually killed the show on to laugh and sneer at it, and make out that it was just a laughing stock.

I totally understand why a lot of Classic Who fans felt bad at this awful treatment, but you have to always look at things in a measured way. Yes these bastards may have been able to sneer at True Who in the 90s, but 30 years after it finished, Doctor Who is still one of the best selling series on DVD, whilst almost all of these panel shows that mocked it are long forgotten.

Sadly however it seems that Doctor Who fans let the bullies win. They were so desperate for the show to not ever be niche again, that they were willing to go along with any trend that they thought might make it popular.

Obviously all fans want their franchise to be successful, but there is a fine line between updating something in a practical way, and selling it out, which sadly the makers of New Who crossed from the beginning. Sadly however they were able to bully a lot Classic era fans into going along with it under the justification of “if you don’t support this we’ll go back to the 00s/90s”

As a result Classic Who fans didn’t defend the show’s traditions and lore until it was too late. Jodie Whittakers Doctor represents the final straw. There is absolutely nothing of the original left in her anymore, so fans have finally started to complain (then there is also the fact that Jodie isn’t popular either.) Still its come too little, too late..

From the start Who fans should have held the Fitzroy Crowd accountable for fucking with the lore and traditions of the character, but we didn’t.

When you look at how fans of other franchises reacted when their characters and traditions were being messed with compared with Doctor Who fans, its embarassing.

Star Trek fans complained when a Beastie Boys song was used in the trailer, because they felt it wasn’t staying true to the tone of the series.

Doctor Who fans meanwhile actually supported turning the Master, the Doctors archenemy from this.

Into this.

Again not having a go at the person who made this video. I never like to punch down, which picking on a random fan whose never done anyone any harm, and just makes videos as a hobby would be, but I think this vid is the best example of what Moffat did to the character, to contrast with the True Who portrayal of the Master. I suppose the maker of the video should be happy, that this is the best representation of Missy/12’s relationship I could think of online.

That would be like if Khan had been played by Sarah Silverman, and had been rewritten into being in love with Captain Kirk and sang “I’M FUCKING CAPTAIN KIRK” in the style of her I’m fucking Matt Damon song.

Do you think for one second that Star Trek fans would be happy with that? Do you think they’d say such ludicrous things as “Sarah Silverman channelled Ricardo Montablan when she sange about fucking Kirk” or “There was always a sexual subtext between Kirk and Khan, only homophobes don’t acknowledge it.”

As it was Trekkies were unhappy with Benedict Cumberbatch being cast. Cumberbatch gave a good, serious performance, and didn’t turn the character into a joke like Missy, but Trekkies were still unhappy with him in the role simply because he wasn’t a natural fit for the role of Khan.

Similarly look at the shit Jared Leto got from Batman fans for his performance as the Joker. Leto’s Joker whilst certainly not one of my favourites, was at the worst bland and fairly unremarkable.

That’s still better than Missy, who as I have been over before literally threw out absolutely everything about the character of the Master.

The Masters main motivation is to conquer the galaxy and make it fit his vision, hence why he calls himself THE MASTER, the clues in the fucking name Moffat. Having a version of the Master not want power is like having a version of the Joker who isn’t a clown, or a version of Magneto who doesn’t bend metal

Yet Moffat knew so little about the character he did just that.

Delgado Master

DOCTOR: (About the Masters plan to take over the galaxy.) You’re risking the total destruction of the entire cosmos.
MASTER: Of course I am. All or nothing, literally! What a glorious alternative!
DOCTOR: You’re mad! Paranoid!

MASTER: There, Miss Grant. I think we’ve seen the last of the Doctor. Buried for all time under the ruins of Atlantis. You know, I’m going to miss him.
JO: He’s not finished. I just know it.
MASTER: Of course he is.
JO: No, you’re the one who’s finished! Do you think that, that creature out there will ever let you control it?
MASTER: I do so already. He came when I called. You saw that yourself.
JO: Like a tiger comes when he hears a lamb bleating.
MASTER: Nicely put, my dear. You know, that was worthy of the late lamented Doctor himself. You know, I could kick myself for not having polished him off long ago. Just think of the future. Dominion over all time and all space. Absolute power forever. And no Doctor to ruin things for me.

MASTER :Think of it, Doctor, absolute power! Power for good. Why, you could reign benevolently, you could end wars, suffering, disease. We could save the universe.

Burned Master

MASTER: Rassilon’s discovery, all mine. I shall have supreme power over the universe. Master of all matter!

Ainley Master

DOCTOR: You’re quite right. One mistake now could ruin everything.
MASTER: I know that, Doctor, and it could happen so easily.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
MASTER: The universe is hanging on a thread. A single recursive pulse down that cable and the CVE would close forever. Even a humble assistant could do it.
DOCTOR: You’re mad!
(The Master produces his weapon, then switches on the tape recorder to broadcast his message to the universe.)
MASTER [OC]: Peoples of the universe, please attend carefully. The message that follows is vital to the future of you all. The choice for you all is simple. A continued existence under my guidance, or total annihilation. At the time of speaking, the
DOCTOR: Blackmail.
MASTER: No, Doctor, I’m merely reporting the state of affairs. I have it in my power now to save them or destroy them.
DOCTOR: You’re utterly mad.
MASTER: Back, Doctor. The proceedings must not be interrupted. It’s mine. The CVE. It’s all mine.
DOCTOR: Only while that cable holds.

MASTER: A turbulent time, Doctor, in Earth’s history.
DOCTOR: Not one of its most tranquil, I agree.
MASTER: A critical period.
DOCTOR: You could say that.
MASTER: Oh, I do. The beginning of a new era.
PERI: Doctor, do you get his drift?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I do, Peri.
PERI: He wants to pervert history.
DOCTOR: Not that the Prince of Darkness here would see it as perversion.
MASTER: Maudlin claptrap. The talents of these geniuses should be harnessed to a superior vision. With their help, I could turn this insignificant planet into a power base unique in the universe.
DOCTOR: And you intend to use the Rani’s bag of tricks to achieve this egocentric scheme.
MASTER: You are indeed a worthy opponent. It’s what gives your destruction its piquancy.

Now take a look at Missy, the female version of the Masters attitude to gaining ultimate power. In her first story Dark Water/Death in Heaven, she gives up an indestructable army of Cybermen to the Doctor (without a failsafe) and says.

DOCTOR: All of this. All of it, just to give me an army?
MISSY: Well, I don’t need one, do I? Armies are for people who think they’re right. And nobody thinks they’re righter than you. Give a good man firepower, and he’ll never run out of people to kill.
DOCTOR: I don’t want an army!
MISSY:
Well, that’s the trouble! Yes, you do! You’ve always wanted one! All those people suffering in the Dalek camps? Now you can save them. All those bad guys winning all the wars? Go and get the good guys back.                                                                                                                                                                
DOCTOR: Why are you doing this?
MISSY:
I need you to know we’re not so different. I need my friend back.

In what universe is that the same character? One is willing to destroy the universe to gain ultimate power, the other says she doesn’t need an army? Missy never makes any other attempt to gain power over the galaxy in her entire time on the series.

That alone is enough to make her stand out from the others (leaving aside the whole sex change.) Moffat also fucked up the Doctors relationship with the Master.

See here

True Who story, The Deadly Assassin

MASTER: Escape? Escape is not in his mind. Now he is hunting you.
GOTH: It was a mistake to bring him here. We could have used anyone.
MASTER: No, we could not have used anyone. You do not understand hatred as I understand it. Only hate keeps me alive. Why else should I endure this pain? I must see the Doctor die in shame and dishonour. Yes, and I must destroy the Time Lords. Nothing else matters. Nothing

New Who story, Dark Water.

MISSY: You know who I am. I told you. You felt it. Surely you did.
DOCTOR: Two hearts.
MISSY: And both of them yours.

DOCTOR: Clara. Clara. Clara. I’ve got to get Clara!
(The Doctor runs to the lift door.)
MISSY: Oh, Clara, Clara, Clara! You know I should shoot you in a jealous rage. Now, wouldn’t that be sexy?

On top of that, Missy embodies NONE of the Masters other character traits like his hypnotic nature, his manipulative streak, his signature weapon the TCE that shrinks people.

I’d say she is the Master in name only, but even then she’s not.

Yet poor old Jared Leto and Benedict Cumberbatch get raked over hot coals for simply not being as charismatic as Ricardo Montablan, Mark Hamill, Heath Ledger, Jack Nicholson, and Cesar Romero? Meanwhile some Doctor Who fans actually praise Steven Moffat for properly capturing the Masters character, and the writer himself was even able to single out Missy as one of his greatest triumphs?

The reason for that is again because a lot of Doctor Who fans are self loathers. All they care about is that the show is popular. Back in 2014, before the backlash against identity politics really began, a lot of fans felt that was what the kids were into, so they went along with it. (The makers of New Who are still under that delusion, hence why the show is crashing and burning.)

The Fitzroy Crowd are the ultimate self loathing fanboys. They were all embarassed to admit they liked Doctor Who to their snobby friends in the industry. (Moffat more or less admits in the quote I posted above.)

None of them had any respect or confidence in the format, and all were more interested in telling their own stories.

Sadly however they were able to dupe fans by playing on their collective self loathing and overwhelming desire for Who to be successful, and the result is ironically that the show is now in a worse position than ever before.

Not only did it sell out to the wrong fad, but now its hard to say what Doctor Who is anymore because its identity has been broken and twisted.

In the next article we will dissect the final lie the Fitzroy Crowd perpetrated “Doctor Who is all about change” and examine just how their lies damaged the brand, and any possible way back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

King Kong: Part 1

 

She couldn’t move another inch. The infection from her wound had finally overwhelmed her.

It had come from just a tiny little bite on the foot from one of those vile reptiles that had attacked their cave, but the infection had spread throughout the last day or so. Those monsters mouths were filled with so much bacteria and poison, they were capable of bringing down even the largest beasts on the island.

Still her brother did not give up. He couldn’t understand what was happening to her, but he knew one of those monsters had followed them from the cave and was closing in on them. The children had spent their lives on the highest cave on the island, seemingly safe from the horrors of the jungle below. Sadly however just yesterday, the great reptiles, their parents had lived in fear of their entire lives, finally found a way through a cave system that had been created by the constant upheavel of the island’s ecosystem and habitat. Their parents had tried to fight the reptiles off, but it was no use. They were torn apart, with the two children only barely managing to crawl their way out of their former sanctuary, into a world they didn’t even know existed.

The brother tried to hurl his sister over his shoulders several times and carry her, but his strength was nowhere near great enought for that. Instead he was forced to drag her along the forest floor. Several of the large flying reptiles however had begun to circle up above.

Like giant Vultures they had been biding their time, but some of the more bold and hungry reptiles had started to attack. The brother however had always been able to shoo them away with a few sticks. The flying Reptiles were not built for combat Their wing membranes were weak and delicate and their bodies were light and hollow.

Still the largest male Reptile was so consumed by hunger that he finally made a full attack and didn’t back down from the young brother, who continued to swing his stick in a futile gesture.

More and more of the flying Reptiles started to descend, inspired by their alpha’s boldness. Unfortunately for the winged terrors this would prove to be their undoing.

Whilst they were distracted by the two children, one of the monsters that had been pursuing them quickly jumped the flying reptiles from behind.

Most of the flying beasts were able to quickly retreat back to the sky, but the largest and slowest alpha was caught in the tiny arms of one of the two giant monsters as it leaped forward.

The two mighty beasts stood over their intended, tiny victims. The monsters were both over 24 feet tall, over 40 feet long, and 10 tons in weight. The monsters stood on two long, bird like legs, had two long, upright tails, large bulky bodies, which stood in a horizontal position, and large, squat heads with gigantic, blood stained jaws.

Their arms were tiny, with only two claws. Still given how easily one of the two beasts held the struggling flying reptile in place, they were clearly a lot stronger than they looked.

The monsters would later be known to mankind as Tyrannosaurus Rex, though they had many names to the various other human civilisations unfortunate enough to have lived on this god forsaken island. To the two children they had cornered’s species, the great apes who would one day be known by man as Kongs, the Tyrannosaurs represented one thing. Death!

The Tyrannosaurs had tracked the Kongs through jungle, with their advanced sense of smell after finishing off the parents. The little Kongs had got a good head start on the beasts, but they had been able to track them for miles. The Tyrannosaurs weren’t hunting the two Kongs out of hunger, but rather to eliminate a potential threat.

The Tyrannosaurs and the Kongs in the last few hundred years had become the bitterest enemies. For thousands of years before the two species had kept themselves to themselves. Their island had once been a gigantic landmass, with the Kongs living near the gigantic mountain near the centre, whilst the Tyrannosaurs lived in the tropical jungles on the outskirts of the island.

Unfortunately as the island began to sink into the sea, the Tyrannosaurs were forced inland into the Kong’s territory.

Both had been the kings of the world they knew. The Kongs despite being gentle herbivores were larger than the other meat eating Dinosaurs they lived with, and far more intelligent and agile. All of the meat eaters preferred to prey on slow moving, less intelligent Hadrosaurs and Brontosaurs instead. The Tyrannosaurs however were less indiscriminate. Their hugely powerful jaws allowed them to take down the largest and most powerful prey, and so the great Apes for the first time in their existence, were fair game.

The Apes were certainly a greater challenge to the Tyrannosaurs than any of their previous prey, but ironically that just made the Tyrant Lizards more determined to bring down the Kongs. The Tyrannosaurs weren’t used to any kind of challenge, and they started to hunt the Kongs, not just for food, but to eliminate any danger to themselves.

The Kongs had ulitmately been driven to near extinction by the Tyrannosaurs. Though a match for the Tyrant Lizard Kings in combat, the Tyrannosaurs greater numbers and their more blood thirsty nature allowed them to eventually eliminate the species from the island.

The two Kong children’s family as far as they knew were the last of their kind on the island. Their father had spent many years searching the jungles of the island. The great Apes were very social creatures who generally tended to live in large groups. (Even more so since the Tyrannosaurs invaded their territory.)

Unfortunately the only other Kongs they had encountered were another large family of Apes that had tried to steal their cave. The cave was not large enough for both families and so the two parents had been forced to fight off and even kill the other members of their kind.

Now it seemed the children were the last two of their kind. The brother hugged his sister and pushed her behind him as the male Tyrannosaur, who had bitten the sister earlier slowly stepped closer.

The female was too busy tearing into the flying reptile. She completely shattered its wing with one bite, and then ripped its leg off, before tearing its guts out, whilst the creature screamed and flapped its remaining wing in pain and desperation.

The Kongs could hear the flying reptiles fragile bones snap as the Tyrannosaurus’s mighty jaws tore its helpless victim apart.

The little male Kong tried to do his best as his sister collapsed from the infection. He roared, beat his chest, thumped his little fists into the ground.

The Tyrannosaurus however simply roared and charged at the Apes. Out of sheer self preservation the male Kong was forced to jump out of the way of the hungry beast. The Ape’s entire world had revolved around its family, but at the end of the day there was nothing it could do. Even if it did manage to carry her to safety, the infection would have killed Kong’s sister in a slow lingering way. If anything the Tyrannosaurus was doing her a favour now.

With one bite it picked up the female Kong in its mighty jaws and crushed her entire body into paste in a few seconds, which it then swallowed in a single bite.

The female Tyrannosaurus meanwhile threw what was left of the flying reptile to the ground, and started to puruse the young male Kong.

The Tyrannosaurus was a lot faster than it looked, but the young and more agile Kong was able to get a good head start on the Dinosaur until it reached the edge of a river. There was no way forward but through the river, and with no other choice the little Ape jumped in the water. Unfortunately however the monkey not only had no idea how to swim, but it was quickly swept away by the current.

The Tyrannosaurs watched as their helpless prey was carried off into the distance. Unlike the little Kong they knew this area well and knew that there was no way the little Ape could survive so they didn’t bother to pursue seemingly the last of the Kongs.

200 years later.

“If you think I’m eating this.”

“Well what were you expecting? Be grateful for it now. In a few days we’ll be drinking our own piss. Though that’s still too good for you.”

Almost all of the food rations had run out since the prisoners had overrun the ship. The captured French vessel, the SS Mesira had been converted into a hulk by the British in the year 1898. It was both one of the largest and among the last of the dreaded Hulks, holding over 200 prisoners and personel of both sexes. On the 6th of April, 1910 however its prisoners were able to overrun it and took the ship out too deep sea to escape the authorities.

One of the prisoners, a former captain named William who had been tried for murdering one of his ship mates, knew of a place that no one would dare follow them too. According to legends, Skull Island as it was known, was said to be to be a nightmarish land filled with terrible creatures.

William however assured his fellow prisoners that the fanciful tales about Skull Island were just stories, and that it would be the perfect place for the prisoners to hide.

Unfortunately however the journey had taken a lot longer than he had hoped. Tensions were running high. Several of the wardens had been kept alive at first as leverage, but most of them had been thrown overboard to reserve food supplies. A few of the surviving staff however had been killed and were now being fed to the prisoners. Most of the prisoners had no trouble with resorting to cannibalism, but one of the prisoners, Daniel Jackson refused however. It was not out of morality, but simply because he found the idea disgusting. In contrast to many of the other criminals here, Daniel had come from a wealthy background and had built up a massive criminal empire. He had a fantastic mind and had even played the key role in the break out, along with William.

Still he was not used to the hard living of many of the other criminals here, and the criminal who had been appointed the ships caterer, Robert had worked for Daniel before. The two had hated each other long before the desperate situation they were in now. Indeed most of the criminals who had worked for Daniel hated him, and sadly most of them were on the ship. It was a testament to how much they hated him, that they still showed him no gratitude for breaking them out.

“If it weren’t for me you would still be getting beaten every day by the bastards your serving up now.” Daniel said as he threw the bowl of human innards to the floor.

“Yes and look where we’ve ended up thanks to your great leadership.”

“I’m not the one who said to go chasing after some mythical land like Atlantis.”

Several of the other criminals behind Daniel were starting to get restless.

“I haven’t eaten for 4 fucking days mate. If you hold me up longer I’ll fucking eat you.” One of the criminals behind Daniel barked.

“You heard him” Robert said whilst barely able to contain his laughter.

“You may have been a big deal back in London, but here you’re just a little spoiled brat. I suggest you move if you don’t want to get your head smashed in.” Robert taunted.

“Honestly that I one of the greatest criminal minds of this century should be forced to scoff down the remains of a few perverted bullies.” Before he could finish the criminal behind Daniel punched him in the face.

The others all laughed and cheered as the convict continued to kick Daniel on the floor.

Before he could seriously hurt Daniel, a young female prisoner named Ella Scarlett intervened. Much like Daniel she too had refused to eat the guards remains, (despite having suffered more at their hands than almost anyone else.)  Still Ella was not helping out of altruism. As much as she despised Daniel, she realised that they may need him on Skull Island (should they ever get there.)

“Get off of him” she said as she tried to push the criminal away.

“We need to stick together.” She said as she tried to fight off the crook.

Whilst she was struggling, Daniel siezed his chance and grabbed a broken, sharp piece of the bowl he had smashed and stabbed it into the convicts neck.

Before Ella could stop him, Daniel stabbed the comic over and over again in the throat, chest and face.

The other convicts stood back in shock as Daniel spat on the convicts corpse before standing up, his arm dripping in blood.

“You are all nothing to me, do you understand. NOTHING!” Daniel screamed. He then jumped over the counter, with Robert now being too scared too do anything back and grabbed the pot filled with the remains of the guards.

One of the prisoners tried to stop him, but Daniel threw the contents of the boiling pot all over him, before throwing it at the crowd.

“You are nothing to me, do you understand. NOTHING!”

“We’ve made it, we’ve made it.” William shouted.

Sarah came running up the deck.

“Skull Island? Thank god” She said.

“Another few days and they’d have eaten each other.”

“I didn’t want this. Please understand. I tried to stop them but.”

“I know, I know. Neither of us belong here.” She said with regret.

“Well we’ll have a new start ahead of us. Just up ahead.”

Sarah could barely see the island it was so foggy and the waves were wild. Still from she could see it looked like nothing more than a harsh forboding rock.

“It doesn’t look the best place to get a fresh start to me.”

“Trust me. Its the one place I’ve ever felt l did belong.”

To Be Continued

 

 

Doctor Who Vs Scratchman: Part 10

Image result for Tim Curry ClueImage result for Bruce Campbell

 

                          Based on a story by Tom Baker and Ian Marter

The Harpies talons tightened around Elena’s shoulders enough to draw blood as the Cyclops struggled to break free. Elena’s constant fighting very nearly caused the Harpy to lose her balance and go tumbling into the lake with the time traveller in tow.

“You stupid fool. I’m here to help. Keep on with this and we’ll both end up in the lake.” The Harpy shrieked. Its voice was so high pitched, Elena almost couldn’t make out what it said.

Elena didn’t trust the Demon, but she realised it was pointless to keep fighting the beast. Wherever the Harpy was planning to take her, it couldn’t be worse than the pit, she hoped. The Harpie quickly ascended to high above the lake before any of the souls could reach out of the water and try and pull the two relcutant companions in.

“We have to find her” The Doctor pleaded with Charon.

“Trust me, she’s better off with those Harpies than you both are. Either these souls will tip the boat, or worse you’ll end up where I’m supposed to take you.” Charon said.

More and more of the souls kept climbing over board whilst hundreds of the ghosts gathered round the bottom of the vehicle and started to try and pull it down.

“We’re sinking, quick shut the hatch.” Charon shouted as he tried to operate the controls.

The Doctor was able to seal the lock with his sonic screwdriver before any more of the damned souls could enter, though unfortunately 3 of the Ghosts had managed to crawl into the ship itself during the commotion. One of the Ghosts was able to jump Charon from behind, wrestling the gun from his hand and throwing it to the floor. When the Doctor tried to reach it, one of the creatures quickly jumped in front of the weapon.

At the back of the room the Doctor could see the Ghost that had attacked Charon toss his body to the ground.

He wasn’t sure if the legendary Ferryman of the Dead was alive or not, and he didn’t particularly care.

Yarox tried to attack one of the Ghosts, but the Doctor held him back.

“They’ve been burning in a lake of fire for thousands of years. I don’t think we will be able to hurt them with our fists.” The Doctor said.

“Well what are we going to do.”

“Try and reason with them”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

The Doctor stood seemingly unafraid of the three ghosts who shuffled around him. In reality he was absolutely terrified, but the Time Lord hoped he could gain the damned souls trust more if he came from a position of understanding, rather than necessity.

“I am the Doctor. Believe it or not, I am not your enemy. The creature who imprisoned you in this lake, he wants my vessel to escape this realm. If you kill me now, he’ll still have my vessel. He’ll still eventually find a way to use it to escape. If you help me, well maybe I can escape and leave him trapped here.”

“We know” one of the corpses said in a feminine voice. It had obviously been a woman in life, but the body was little more than a skeleton.

“That’s why we were trying to help you.”

“What?”

“We are part of the last resistance of this universe against the terror that threatens yours. You don’t think we’d be on the side of the monster that dropped us in the lake of fire do you?”

“Well no I suppose not.” The Doctor replied.

“Charon however said that the lake turns you into monsters? Granted he’s not the most trustworthy source, but.”

“He’s right. The fire burns most people’s identities away until they’re nothing but animals. Some of us however endure through the fire, for whatever reason. Love, hope, or a desire for vengeance against Scratchman. One in every million souls condemned to that lake, still remembers who it is, though only one in every million of them is not driven completely insane, like those Scarecrow’s that attacked your dimension. Eventually those of us who kept our identities decided to get together to protect ourselves. That’s when the Harpies contacted us.”

“They didn’t seem to be too friendly.” Yarox said.

“Trust me they are the good guys. They are the last of what was once a mighty race in this universe. One every bit as advanced as yours Time Lord.”

“Ah so you know about me then.”

“The Harpies do. They’ve been fighting Scratchman for a millenia. They wanted to help you escape. It was our job to keep the Ferryman of the dead occupied long enough for the Harpies to get you to their command. Trust me, given the dangers that exist in this lake, even that was a tremendous task. Sadly we failed.”

“Well if you’d just explained then I’d have been happy to go with you. Still we’re not entirely blameless. I should have learned by now after 10 lifetimes, not to judge people by their appearances. Is there any way we can contact the Harpies?”

“No I’m afraid not. It won’t be long before Scratchman’s most heinous minions will be here. We have to escape to Ammit’s cave.”

“Ammit are you insane?” One of the other Ghosts said.

“Not even Scratchman’s most dangerous Demons will dare follow us in there. Only Scratchman himself would, but he’s too lazy to attack right away. Ammit’s cave might give us the time to formulate a plan.”

“Assuming Ammit doesn’t eat us all right away?”

“That’s a chance we will have to take. We cannot allow Scratchman to get hold of the Time Lord. You heard what the Harpies said he will do to the other universe, or rather to my universe. I come from the planet earth too Time Lord. Even I struggle to remember who I was at times, but I do know that the person I was in life did not deserve this.”

“Well no one deserves this.” The Doctor said with regret.

“Still if this cave is the only way forward then we need to get there at once.” The Doctor continued as he started to examine the controls.

“I’m sorry this machine is unlike anything I’ve ever seen.” The Doctor said as he inspected the controls.

“Charon is the only one who can help us. I hope you haven’t killed him.”

“Not at all, he’s a victim just like us. Besides if we did he’d just come back again.”

“Ah of course, I can’t throw stones though. I’ve come back 9 times already.”

As soon as he awoke, Charon tried to overpower the three Ghosts who managed to restrain him.

“We need your help Charon.” The female Ghost said.

“Why on earth do you think I’d help you? Don’t get me wrong I feel bad for you, the little feeling I have left, but you know as well as I do, its a good idea not to cross Scratchman.”

“I also know that you hate your existence. You might try to act as though you don’t care, but deep down every second you wish it would just end. You were once a hero and now you’re a lap dog for an evil greater than you could have ever imagine. Worse you bring people to him every day. If you help him now, he’ll keep you alive in this state forever. What if I were to tell you that I could end it.”

“I’d say you were a liar, a desperate liar who still doesn’t realise that you can’t fight him.”

“We want to make our way into the Destroyers cave.”

“Then I’d say you were insane.”

“Its the best place to hide for us. Ammit though dangerous is just an animal. None of Scratchman’s Demons will follow us in there. It will give us time to contact the Harpies, and eternal rest for you. You know that when Ammit devours a person’s soul they die for good. Even Scratchman can’t bring them back.”

“I’m surprised he would have something like that? Is Ammit not too merciful a creature for old Harry Scratch?” The Doctor said.

“He uses it to keep the Demons who are loyal to him in check. Also its been quite an effective method of torture for us too. Every second in that lake is agony, and just up ahead is a creature we know will end our pain. All of us have tried to swim towards it, but we are pulled back, either by the current or.”

“Or what?” The Doctor asked.

“The Kraken.”

“You don’t have to tell me about the Kraken.” Charon said with regret.

“I’ve tried to get into Ammit’s cave a billion times, only for that tentacled monster to eat me every time. There’s no way we can get past it.”

“Yes there is. The Harpies have prepared a ritual that will weaken the beast. They’ve been working on it for centuries. We just have to chant it when it emerges.”

“What if it doesn’t work? What if Scratchman.”

“If you will allow me to interrupt.” The Doctor said.

“From what I gather before this horrible mess you were once a good man. The fact that you want to be free of the life you are living now shows that some trace of him still exists. Tell me would the person you were before this not take any chance he could, no matter how remote to stop a monster like Scratchman?”

Charon was silent for a few minutes before he started to work the controls.

“I suppose it can’t get any worse for me.” The ferryman of the dead said.

“You’ll need to tell your friends out there to let us go.”

The Harpy had arrived at its destination. A gigantic purple mountain that looked as though it was phasing in and out. The mountain had the ability to change its location which was how it had eluded Scratchman for such a long while. Gathered at the foot of the mountain where hordes of hideous creatures, clearly the servants of Scratchman. It couldn’t remain here much longer.

There was no entrance, and the Harpy simply flew into the mountain. Elena screamed at it to stop, but before she knew it she was inside a gigantic dark cavern. Below she could see hundreds of strange creatures. Centaurs, Harpies, Satyrs, Cyclops, as well as what looked like living skeletons were all gathered together in front of a gigantic altar where a larger, blue Harpy sat.

Elena’s Harpy flew her towards the larger Harpy, who was clearly in charge.

“I am sorry we were unable to get hold of the Time Lord.” The Harpy said as she lowered Elena down in front of its master.

“I have one of his companions. We might be able to use her.”

“She’s worthless” The blue Harpy said, much to Elena’s annoyance. Not that it cared.

“The Time Lord is the only one that matters. Only he can pilot his ship to escape from this reality. Scratchman will find him and force the Doctor to create a rip to their universe.”

“The Doctor would never give in to that monster” Elena protested.

“Trust me. No one can withstand Scratchman. The Time Lord will eventually break. All is lost.”

The crowd started to go insane. Their leader didn’t even attempt to calm them down. What could she say?

“There must be something we can do.” The lesser Harpy said.

“What do you propose? Launch a full attack on Scratchman’s castle?”

“Why not”? Elena asked.

“Don’t be fooled by our army. Its tiny compared to Scratchman. We’d be lucky to last a few hours, and we still don’t have anything we can harm that monster with.”

“Well maybe a few hours is all we need” The lesser Harpy said.

“Like you said. The most important thing is to make sure that Scratchman doesn’t get his grubby mits on the TARDIS. Our universe is done. If we can do anything to stop him from doing this to another reality, won’t that be worth it? We need to take the war to Scratchman himself.”

To Be Continued

 

 

The Circus Master: The Curse of the Robots: Part 1

“Please, please I beg you.” Cricex screamed as he pounded on the ground to no avail.  The portal that had brought him here had been closed. He knew the risks when he went on the mission, and had prepared himself, yet when actually faced with the reality of these monsters and what they had done to his team mates, he broke down in sheer terror.

He lifted out his weapon, not for the monsters, but for himself. For a second he hesitated. He thought of his wife, his son, and the people he would never see again, but then he thought of what the monsters would do to him and placed the gun in his mouth.

Just as he was about to pull the trigger however, he heard someone calling for help in the distance.

It was his team mate, Graceia. Cricex had thought he was dead. He had been the first to disappear, and he hadn’t heard anything back from him for two days. Obviously he had escaped from the monsters and been waiting her the entire time. The portal would only open at a particular time, so he had clearly waited here the entire time.

Much like Cricex however he had missed it as the creatures had ambushed him at the last minute. He was calling in desperation for help that wouldn’t arrive.

In fact Cricex used this opportunity to slowly crawl away from the monsters. He couldn’t look at what they did to Graceia. There were a few times where he was tempted to shoot Graceia and put him out of his misery, but he couldn’t as then the beasts would notice him. As slim a chance as he had for survival, he had to take it.

“Where am I, what’s going on?” Ashlei said as Carlene gently helped her up.

“I don’t know where to start love? If you’ve got amnesia, well I don’t want to be the one to bring your memories back but.” Carlene said.

“Its okay, I remember. I’m just amazed we survived.” Ashlei said as she stumbled up with Carlene’s help. Ashlei looked around and saw the Circus in ruins. The walls were cracked and broken, the magic water in the fountain had dried up, and the rags from outside were poking through the walls. The Srange Boy sat near some wreckage at the back, with the enchantment still on his head.

“We might as well not have.”The Circus Master said in despair.

“The Circus has been destroyed. Worse we have no idea where we are. For all we know, the second we step outside the Tent and step on a bug the Guardians will snatch us.”

“Then what do we do.”

“Honestly I don’t know and if I did I wouldn’t share it with you Ashlei” The Circus Master said scornfully.

“I’ve not forgotten what you did in the Rysteans base. You betrayed our trust and you nearly doomed us all to the Kardons.”

“What I did? You’re the one who trapped an entire species down there with those monsters.”

“Me and Denika were the ones willing to sacrifice ourselves for the Rysteans. We were willing to endure an eternity with the Kardons just so some of them could escape, so don’t you dare say we were happy to leave them. We had no choice. If their plan had gone ahead, then the entire world, billions of worlds would be suffering the same fate as the Rysteans. The fact that you don’t understand that shows that you were never cut out to be part of this team.”

“Maybe I’m not. I can’t turn the other cheek to people’s suffering like you can.”

“We need to get rid of her right away.” Florence said as she emerged from the wreckage behind with Keptis in tow..

“I ought to tear that bitch’s head off.” Florence said in anger.

“You lay one finger on her darling and I’ll make you wish you’d gone down with that stinking ship of yours.” Carlene threatened.

“I already went down with the Titanic you moron. Believe you me though after spending a few months with you, I wish I’d gone down with it permanently.”

“You prissy uptight cow, you’d have been dead several times if it wasn’t for me.”

“We got on fine without you before, and we’ll do so again.”

The Circus Master was forced to get in between the two Vampires.

“Lets not lose our cool here. Unfortunately we’re all in this together.”

“Well I don’t agree with Florence, but I do think we should drop Ashlei off next time we get back to earth.” Keptis said.

“I for one don’t like to travel with people who pull guns on me.” The Martian sneered

“Keptis’ I, I don’t know what to say. You probably don’t believe me, but I would never have done it, I just couldn’t let them do that to the Rysteans.” Ashlei said.

“You’re right I don’t believe you. It doesn’t really matter though, you’ve proven that you’re too weak to travel with us.”

“I agree.” The Circus Master said. “Sadly we can’t get rid of her just yet. Remember history says we will have another adventure in the 20th century with her. That’s the only reason I took her on in the first place. Its always why we need to get this ship working. If we don’t then we won’t be around to prevent whatever disaster we have to in the 20th century, and the Guardians will come for us as Ashlei’s very presence here will be a paradox. However that doesn’t mean we have to have anything to do with Ashlei until then.”

The rest of the Circus Folk walked outside to join Denika who was doing her best to fix the ship, except for Carlene.

“Its okay darling I understand why you did it.” Carlene said.

“You were wrong, and you’ll have to live with the consequences of it, but

“I’ve done worse, much worse, and so from what he’s told me has the Circus Master, that wanker. Florence killed people when she was a Siren. They’re all hypocrites.”

“They’re right Carlene” Ashlei said.

“I should never have come on board. I never cared about them. I just wanted to be with you. That’s all I ever wanted. You were all I had after my brothers died. Please when all of this is over, can we just settle somewhere quiet. Away from all the monsters and creatures.”

“I don’t know if I can do that love. I think in spite of everything that’s happened, we’re needed here. The timeline wants us here or some reason. We just have to remind the others of that.”

“I don’t think they’ll ever trust me again. I’m not sure if I want them too. Regardless of how he spins it, the fact is that we had to leave innocent people down there with those monsters. Call it weakness, but I don’t think I will ever be able to turn a blind eye like they do.”

“I wish I could say it was that easy love, but well it isn’t always just black and white. Still lets see what we can do to help. If the guardians get us we’ll all be trapped together forever. Eternity with that stuck up cow Florence? I’d rather stake myself now.”

Outside Denika had been trying to repair the ship for hours to no avail.

“I’m sorry everybody. That’s all the magic I have left. That Kardon literally ripped the power from the ship when we teleported. I’m amazed we got here, wherever here is. Must have been some residual mgic left over. We might be able to restore it, but I’m going to need a lot more equipment.”

Suddenly the Circus Folk’s attention was drawn to stomping sound from the distance. Just over a nearby hill, the Circus Folk could see a horde of what looked like metal creatures marching towards them. They were humanoid in shape and whilst their skin was definitely metal, they appeared to glow bright red. Their faces meanwhile were nothing but fire.

“Magic detected, restrain the humanoid creatures.” Their leader said in a voice that sounded electronic, yet also had a more emotional aspect to it.

Denika was first to attack. Her magic was limited after she had used so much of it on the Tent. She also did not want to use lethal force against the robots until she knew what their intentions were.

The robots however easily deflected her blasts and sent the weakened Witch backwards through the air. Florence tried to supress the monsters with her singing, but the monsters were completely unaffected.

Carlene tried to throw a gas bomb at the robots, but they were able to scatter the gas and quickly stun Carlene, Florence, Keptis and The Circus Master himself with their blasts.

“The aliens have been surpresed. We shall find out what they really are, after the dissection.

To Be Continued

Professor Fang: The Dark Side of the Moon: Part 1: Valley of the Beasts

 

“Get behind me.” Orlagia shouted. Even though he was much older, weaker and slower than Hisera, he still couldn’t help but see her as his little girl who needed to be protected.

Granted it didn’t matter much either way as neither would have much chance against an Allosaurus.

The Allosaurus stood 13 feet at the shoulder and was almost 40 feet long. It stood in a horizontal bird like stance, whilst its skin was thick and scaly like a crocodiles. It balanced itself on two bird like legs, whilst its tail that was positioned upright swung from side to side. The monsters forearms were relatively short compared to the rest of its body, though they still came equipped with three, very sharp claws. The Allosaurus’  head was long and ended in a sharp, pointed snout, whilst its large green eyes were placed at the front of its head. Just above its eyes were two large, red crests.

The monsters long, razor sharp teeth were dripping in blood and smeared in pieces of flesh from its latest victims. It had been hunting the same small hadrosaur that the two humans had been chasing. (It was a testament to how skilled the Allosaurus were as ambush hunters that the humans hadn’t even noticed the giant creeping in the bushes behind. )

Now however the Dinosaur’s attention was focused on the two humans.

The Allosaurus were the most numerous carnivore species in the valley. Though not the largest or most powerful, they were still among the fastest, and this coupled with their large size meant that no human could possibly hope to either outfight or outrun them.

As a result the humans normally did all they could to avoid these carnosaurs. They normally didn’t even bother the Hadrosaurs and the Stegosaurs that the Allosaurus hunted. However recent conditions in the valley had forced all of the creatures within to alter their behaviours drastically. Even the Allosaurus had found it difficult to adapt to these new circumstances.

Orlagia held his spear up at the Allosaurus’ face and waved if for a few minutes. The monster seemed more confused by this display than intimidated. Normally its prey, regardless of its size would run. The Allosaurus let out a roar in frustration, but the caveman stood his ground. Hisera tried to pull the foolish old man away, but as she did, he hurled his spear straight at the neck of the Allosaur. Unfortunately however the spear more or less bounced off of the Dinosaurs thick scales, producing only a minor cut.

This was still enough to enrage the theropod however and the monster charged at the two, terrified humans. Hisera pushed Orlagia out of the way in time, but the Allosaur still knocked her off her feet with one swing of its head.

The Allosaurus had among the thickest and strongest skulls of any meat eating Dinosaur. One whack from its head was enough to break 4 of HIsera’s ribs and one of her arms.

As she crawled along the floor with her remaning arm the Allosaurus started to toy with its prey. Every time she managed to haul herself up, the Allosaur would push her down again. After a few more minutes of playing, the monster then started to open its jaws around Hisera’s head. Its hot, stinking breath made her almost want to choke.

Not giving up, Hisera pulled a stone knife from her back pack and stabbed it into the Allosaurus’ tongue just as its jaws were about to clamp shut around her. The monster screamed in pain and jumped backwards, quickly spitting the knife out before it choked. The monster tore down several trees in its distress, whilst Orlagia tried to help Hisera up.

As the two weakened humans tried to crawl away before the Allosaur recovered, a much bigger danger soon emerged.

In the distance, Orlagia could see several trees being ripped off of the ground and flying through the air by an unknown force. All of the mighty Dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures in the area soon followed, as did rocks, and even the earth itself. They all vanished upwards into the black abyss above.

“We have to move now.” he said to Hisera. Unfortunately however she couldn’t walk, as the Allosaurus had twisted her ankle when it pushed her. The old man was forced to carry her. As much as he struggled, he couldn’t just leave her to the mercy of the mysterious force that had torn up their entire valley.

The Allosaurus also began to flee, with even the great reptile shrieking in terror as the trees and landscape ahead were literally ripped from the ground.

The Allosaurus quickly ran ahead of the two humans, but as it did the ground ahead started to shake and within a few seconds the trees and the earth started to float off into the dark sky.

The Allosaurus tried to keep ahead, but even with its great speed it was no match and the monster was soon lifted up into the sky. The former ruler of the valley now looked an almost pitiful sight as hopelessly clawed and kicked att he air before floating away to his doom, alongside the other giants of the valley.

Orlagia and Hisera quickly retreated back down the way they came, through an old cave system which led underground. It was the perfect way to escape any giant predatory Dinosaurs as they were too big to make their way down the hole.

Unfortunately as they neared the entrance, Orlagia began to feel himself drifting off of the ground and with his last ounce of strength, he threw Hisera to the cave entrance. Hisera tried to crawl back the way but she could see it was too late. Orlagia had already begun to float away into the sea of giant beasts up ahead. Unlike the Dinosaurs however he appeared to accept his fate, with his final words being to tell Hisera to flee.

Hisera quickly dropped herself down into the cave below. The underground was safe for now from the strange force that was ripping their valley to pieces (which was another reason it was the perfect route for her tribe.)

How much longer could they last however. Within the last few months the valley been torn almost completely apart by this strange monstrous force. So little of their once beautiful land remained. There was just a tiny scrap in the middle, that was gradually breaking apart and once it was gone, there would be nowhere else for her people to escape too.

“Ah we’ve finally reached our destination.” The Professor said enthusiastically.

“Its only been a couple of weeks. Hardly enough time to unwind after all that crap with those hopping Vampires.” Kirsteen moaned.

“Well the journey’s seem a lot longer with you constantly moaning young lady.”

“Its not my fault there’s nothing to do here.”

“Well I’ve tried to restore our collection after that Demon destroyed it haven’t I?” The Professor said impatiently.

Lindsey and the Professors priceless collection of books and art gathered from all across the universe had been destroyed by a Demon during their first adventure with Kirsteen, and The Professor at first believed them to be gone forever. Recently however he had stumbled upon an obscure enchantment in his even greater collection of spells, that he hoped could bring at least some of the collection back.

The enchantment was one of the most powerful and unpredictable spells in all the galaxies. It could bring something back, up to and including a person, or even several people from a simple memory in someone’s mind.

The strain involved however was so great that it would often destroy the person whose memory was being used. Added to that, like any resurrection spell, it rarely brought the dead back as they once were.

The Professor however felt that the magics could be used to bring back his collection from his memories. If it went wrong then it wouldn’t be the same as trying to bring back a person and it going wrong. Also the strain of bringing back books and art would not be as great either.

Unfortunately however whilst some of the books did return as they were, many of them were caricatures of their former selves. The magics were so unstable that they confused many of the Professor’s memories together, resulting in several classic books being merged together.

1984 and Gone with The Wind were merged into a strange, masochistic love story, with Scarlet torturing Winston Smith instead of O’Brien and falling in love with him during their torture session. A Christmas Carol was merged with War of the Worlds and saw  Scrooge receive a vision of the Martians invading from the Ghost of the last of the previous race the Martians wiped out (the previous race on Mars), and the ghost of someone in the future after the Martians tear down all earth cities. Scrooge then tries to warn everybody, but they refuse to listen to him, due to his miserly past. Scrooge eventually learns to be a better person when he helps to save people during the war, and helps to rebuild humanity afterwards.

Lindsey found the new versions distasteful, as did the Professor, though Kirsteen actually thought they were quite funny. Sadly for her however the Professor refused to try and use the magics to recreate the books again, leaving Kirsteen with very little to do.

“I liked A Christmas War.” Kirsteen protested to the Professor. “I always hated Dickens personally. His work needed an editor. This was an improvement.” Kirsteen said.

“Yes well thankfully most people throughout human history have better taste than you Miss Williamson.”

“Still there’s no point in having a time machine if you are just going to sit in reading books.” The Professor continued.

“Yes well you know you could probably make some money out of those books.”

“That would change the timeline Kirsteen” Lindsey said.

“Plus I wouldn’t want anyone to know that we were responsible for those monstrosities. I shudder to think what has happened when people have used those magics to bring people back.” Lindsey continued.

“Well whatever the case” The Professor interrupted. “It looks like we’ve landed near the moon.”

“The moon? Are you telling me there’s aliens on the moon right enough.” Kirsteen said excitedly.

“Of course not. Its a tried up rock, no life could live there. It has however become a perfect hiding place for Demons and other monsters as a result.”

“Stand still, I’ll need to perform a spell that will allow us, or rather you two to survive the atmosphere down there. Think of it like a magical space suit, except you can wear whatever you want with it.”

“Good I always like to dress my best when I’m on a giant, dusty rock filled with Demons.” Kirsteen replied.

After quickly finishing the spell, the Professor teleported himself and his two companions down to the surface of the moon. They landed on the side of the moon facing away from the earth.

“Damn I wanted to get a picture of the view of the earth.” Lindsey said.

“This side really is a wasteland.”

“Yes I must admit I wouldn’t have chosen the dark side of the moon, or the far side to be more accurate as one of the first places to take our new friend, but remember we go where we are needed.”

“What year is this.” Kirsteen asked.

“Are we in danger of running into any moonbases or.”

“No I’m afraid not. Its 1965 to be exact. No humans have set foot here yet. Whatever is lurking in these craters is completely unknown to man. Until now.”

“I can’t wait.” Kirsteen said sarcastically.

“Its funny” Kirsteen continued. “To think down there I’ll be just 10 years old, annoying my brother by singing over his favourite Beatles songs when they’d come on the radio. I always thought they were simpler times, but now apparently there Demons on the Moon even back then.”

“You can sing now if you want” Lindsey said.

“We have nothing else to do in this godforsaken place. If it’ll make you happy. I always loved your music, and there isn’t even anything that would make a good picture. Just rocks and craters.”

“Exactly” The Professor interrupted. “So why should we be punished further.”

In response Kirsteen started singing just to annoy the Professor.

In truth the Professor didn’t mind her music at all, but he was such a snob he would never admit to liking any popular music from the 20th or 21st or 22nd centuries.

He looked down on those eras as being periods of great stagnation.

As the trio reached the top of the mountain, the Professor suddenly stopped.

“Oh come on my singing isn’t that bad.” Kirsteen joked.

The Professor simply pointed up in amazement. In the distance of the black sky the Professor could see what looked like a gigantic Triceratops floating through space. Behind it were the bodies of several smaller meat eating Dinosaurs, Raptors, that had clearly been fighting with the herbivore before being dragged sucked out into the abyss of space.

“Unbelievable, Dinosaurs on the Moon.” Kirsteen said.

“You sure we’re in 1965?”

The Professor however simply leaped over the top of the hill, with Kirsteen and Lindsey following.

On the other side of the hill the three time travellers could see what looked like a valley filled with forests, lakes and prehistoric creatures.

It was hard to make out, but they could what looked like several sauroped, long necked Dinosaurs running around scared. They could also see what looked like several people, cornering a small ceratopsian Dinosaur near the ruins of an old mountain.

“Of course” the Professor said as he clutched his lapels proudly.

“Its a Dragons land.”

“A what?” Kirsteen asked.

“Dragons land” Lindsey repeated. She was better at explaining these things than the Professor, who would often get too impatient.

“You see Kirsteen Dragons are not only real, but they’re Dinosaurs. Just as humans become Witches, and Warlocks when exposed to magic, then Dinosaurs become Dragons when exposed to magic. The first Dragons were created by a Witch named Sarkassan. According to the legends she performed a resurrection spell on the bones of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and brought it back to life. She did more than that however. She infused it with magic, creating the first Dragon, who would then go on to resurrect more of his kin. The Dragons sought to rule the earth, and warred with the Gods. In some places like in China the Dragons won, and were revered as magical, majestic creatures, whilst in Europe, they lost and were reduced to becoming outlaws, thieves and monsters.”

“What does this have to do with the moon?” Kirsteen asked.

“Patience, God she’s as impatient as you Professor.  During their war with the Gods, the Dragons built several isolated areas where they bred resurrected Dinosaurs. Dragon Lands or Lost Worlds, whatever you want to call them. That way there would always be more Dinosaurs for them to turn into Dragons. The lands were hidden all over the earth, on remote islands, plateau’s, the tops of mountains. The Dragons lands were artificial environments, created entirely through magic, but they had enough plants, water and artificial, magical sunlight to ensure the Dinosaur populations would thrive. After the Gods won the war, they allowed these Dragon Lands to continue to exist. The Dinosaurs without magic after all were just simple beasts. There were hundreds of Dragon lands or Lost Worlds, hidden all over the earth, we’ve visited a few, but I had no idea there was one on the Moon. Makes sense after all. It would not only be the perfect place to hide, but also for the Dragons to launch an attack on the earth.”

“What about the people down there?”

“Sometimes the Dragons would keep small populations of humans in their lands too. Either humans they hated and wanted to punish, or sometimes the reverse was true, and they’d place humans they wanted to survive in the lands; though they’d put them in secure places, away from the Dinosaurs. From the looks of things however these humans were on the Dragons shit list.”

“Possibly not” The Professor interrupted.

“This Dragon land is clearly breaking apart. That explains our friends floating about up there. I’ve seen it before. The magic used to create these artificial environments was often quite unstable. The Dragons were able to manage them no problem, but now that they’re gone. These lands often break apart into magical tornado’s which either rip the life forms in them apart, or hurls them into the air, which obviously happened here.”

“So I guess that’s why the Gods didn’t destroy the Lands. It was easier just to let them crumble to bits and not get their hands dirty.” Lindsey said with regret.

“Exactly, and that’s clearly why we’re here. To stabilise this land of prehistoric, wonderful creatures before it breaks away into space. For all we know this could be the last Dragon land in existence.”

“How can we possibly do that?”

“If we make our way to the core of the valley, underground then a quick shot of magic should help to stabilise it. It won’t be easy though as we’ll have to make our way through the Dinosaurs.”

“That’s the best part.” Lindsey said excitedly.

“Yes well lets just try to keep our heads down.”

The three time travellers walked down the hill into the valley which looked as though it was in the middle of the day. It was tiny flickr of light and life on an otherwise barren rock.

When the three time travellers entered the valley, they saw several small meat eating Dinosaurs, similar to Raptors standing near the edge in both curiosity and fear. The creatures looked starved and weak, and some were even snapping at each other.

“Poor devils” The Professor said.

“Even if we fix the valley, its ecosystem has probably been damaged beyond repair.”

Up ahead the trio could see a small heard of sauropod Dinosaurs drinking from a small lake.

Lindsey instantly got out her camera and started to take photos.

“God I love Dinosaurs. I prefer them to most people I’ve met.” Lindsey said as she snapped at the giants ahead.

“I prefer them at a distance myself.” Kirsteen said as she looked back, somewhat nervously at the Raptors.

Suddenly the tree up ahead came tumbling down, nearly crushing the Professor who managed to catch it with his Vampiric strength and hold it up for a few minutes before he was forced to let go.

The Professor, Lindsey and Kirsteen came face to face with a gigantic Brontosaurus. This was a male and was thus not only larger and more aggressive, but from the looks of things starving.

Not only had most of the valley broken off into space, but the few plants and vegetation left in the valley had begun to wither and die too. This had naturally caused many of the giant herbivores to die off, as well as the carnivores who preyed on them. The few survivors were now pushed to their very limits, with even the gentle giants like the Brontosaurus having become hostile and aggressive. The herbivores not only had to constantly fight off the desperate carnivores who had become a lot more bold and reckless in their desperation, but even each other for the few scraps of vegetation left.

The Brontosaurus started to roar and stamp its feet at the sight of the three time travellers.

It was frightened of the humans, some of tribes of whom in desperation had attacked the giants. The humans had been able to take down the giant Sauropods by chasing them over the edge of cliffs using flaming torches, similar to how humans hunted Wooly Mammoth’s thousands of years ago.

“Calm down big fella, we’re not going to hurt you.” Lindsey said gently to the monster as she and the others slowly backed away.”

“Can you speak Dinosaur?” Kirsteen asked, genuinely.

“Of course not, don’t be silly.”

“Hey there are Dinosaurs on the moon and he’s a Vampire.”

The Brontosaurus let out a massive roar and started to chase the three time travellers deeper into the valley.

Though it was slow moving, its gigantic size allowed it to keep up with Lindsey, Kirsteen and even the Professor. On step for the Brontosaurus was like 7 for the humans and the Vampire.

“I thought the long necked ones were supposed to be friendly.” Kirsteen shouted.

To Be Continued

 

 

 

Why Modern Comedians Are Cowards

Image result for Frankie Boyle

Frankie Boyle, the definition of a cowardly, conformist comedian who pretends to be edgy by being nasty to vulnerable targets.

There was a time when comedians were genuinely counter culture and willing to say things that nobody else had the guts too.

The likes of Lenny Bruce, Monty Python, Richard Pryor, and Rik Mayall, all broke new ground and were genuinely brave in some of the targets they went after. Sadly however since at least the early 2000s, most modern comedians, not all, but certainly most modern comedians in the English speaking world will only go after a target if it has been deemed acceptable to hate by the mainstream media.

Celebrities that the papparazi despise, political figures that are unpopular, religious groups that are easy meat etc. These make up all of the majority of comedians favourite targets, but they are often able to project a false idea that they are edgy by being ridiculously nasty to these easy targets.

The truth is however that the average modern comedian is a coward too afraid to go after the wrong person or group. Their opinions aren’t their own, and they are in essence, bullies who kick people when they are down.

In some ways comedians are as bad as the papparazi themsevles in terms of putting pressure on vulnerable celebrities, feeding people false narratives and reinforcing an unfair status quo, and its high time that they were being viewed with as much contempt.

In this article I have decided to compile all of the worst examples of comedians overall conforming to the status quo and being total hypocrites and bullies in the targets they go after. Hopefully by the end you will agree with me that this generation of comedians are the most conformist generation, and that will be their legacy.

Amy Winehouse and phony feminism

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Too ugly for those big hunks Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle apparently.

A personal example for me, since I’m such a huge fan of Amy, but still valid.

When she was alive, though she was hugely successful, Amy Winehouse was frequently made fun of on panel shows by comedians such as Frankie Boyle and Jimmy Carr.

When I was younger I hated seeing Amy get made fun of, but for many years after her death, I assumed it was just because I was a teenager with a crush on Amy. Looking back on it now however, I feel these comedians shameful treatment of Amy was as bad as the papparazi’s, yet unlike the press they are never called out on it.

This is made even worse by the fact that many of the comedians involved in kicking Amy in the teeth when she was at her lowest eb, like Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr and Katy Brand are now trying to reinvent themselves as feminists, lecturing the little people about how to be more tolerant.

Most of the jokes made about Amy when she was alive focused on her looks in the most disgusting and personal ways. Now fair enough some comedians, even talented ones have always made remarks about people’s looks. I personally have never liked jokes about people’s looks. I think they are nasty, childish and lazy.

Still with Amy it reached a whole new level for a number of reasons. The comments about her looks, weren’t simply gags or jokes, they were often deeply personal and even sexual in nature. Added to that I think this was the first time comedians and the press worked together to demonise someone quite so much.

Janis Joplin had to endure horrendous abuse from the papers about her looks for instance, but the comedians of the time didn’t all dogpile on her just because the press did.

Can you imagine the likes of say Lenny Bruce making jokes about he hopes Jim Morrison dies, or attacking Janis Joplin as a filthy crack whore just because the papers were against both?

Lenny Bruce was too busy attacking genuine prejudice and the catholic church (back when it was actually brave to do so.) To reinforce the opinions of the moral guardians who wanted to ban the likes of the Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix for being a bad influence.

Similarly other comedians actually went after the press, and the moral guardians who were attacking rock stars. The Goodies for instance, though ironically often dismissed as twee and silly by modern “edgy” comedians, nevertheless went after Mary Whitehouse, a conservative busy body, who tried to get The Rolling Stones music banned, censored Doctor Who for being too violent, and tried to and succeeded in getting various horror films such as The Evil Dead banned.

With poor Amy meanwhile not only did she have the papers following her everywhere she went, taking pictures of her when she was in distress and plastering them all over the papers, and magazines such as FHM and Maxim regularly voting her ugliest woman of the year. (There were even whole websites devoted to ridiculing her appearance.)

She also had hundreds of comedians joing in, posting awful pictures of her from the papers for a laugh and ridiculing her in arguably more vicious ways than even the papers.

Jimmy Carr, the host of 8 Out Of 10 Cats for instance joked that any man who slept with Amy, would have to strap something over his dick to stop diseases and smells from Amy’s disgusting, rotten vagina getting over it. He also called her an ugly, worthless, horse faced freak, and said that he hoped she would die soon. He even made jokes about her tits being shrivelled up and saggy.

Katy Brand meanwhile regularly mocked Amy’s mental health struggles, called her self obsessed and did sketches where Amy was depicted as an ugly freak, throwing herself at men who would try and kill themselves rather than kiss her.

Zoe Lyons meanwhile made a joke about Amy cutting herself (which was awarded by the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.)

Irish comedian Ed Byrne also made a joke about Amy being a good date because she was anorexic. He said you could take her out, not have to buy her anything and then pick your teeth with her legs.

Eminem famously did a video where Amy was not only depicted as repulsive, but people were vomiting at the sight of her kissing people.

Now fair enough I’m not saying that you can never make jokes about people like Winehouse. There have always been plenty of jokes about rock stars and hellraisers like Keith Richards, and Oliver Reed’s wild behaviour. Jokes about Amy drinking, or taking drugs will undoubtedly seem insensitive in hindsight after her death, but at the time I don’t think they were particularly nasty, or at least worse than anyone else got.

However again these comedians simply didn’t just joke about her lifestyle. They jumped on an incredibly vicious media bandwagon, that focused almost exclusively on Amy’s looks, the very thing she was most insecure about.

Amy Winehouse suffered from many mental health issues related to her appearance. She was anorexic, bullimic, had manic depression and she self harmed (even before she became famous.) There are interviews from the Frank era where she comments on how ugly she thinks she is. Her famous beehive even came about because of her insecurities about her looks. She said she put her hair up to draw attention away from her face.

In the later years of her life, Amy even had some plastic surgery work done to fix her “ugly face”. Of course the papers just continued to make fun of her looks anyway, even saying that she looked like more of a freak after her plastic surgery.

In 2008, Amy apparently refused to attend her 25th birthday party as she felt she was so ugly, she couldn’t be seen out in the streets.

Her boyfriend for the last few years of her life, Reg Travis also mentions that she went out less and less in the last few years of her life, as she was afraid of the paps snapping bad pictures of her. Most heartbreaking of all, Amy’s bodyguard claimed that on the night before her death she said she would give up all of her musical accomplishments, and talent in a heartbeat, just to walk down the street with no bother.

With all of this in mind I do hold these comedians partially responsible for her tragic death.

Imagine what it must have been like for Amy to constantly see all the very worst things she thought about herself being reinforced on television shows and the media in general. It has to have had an effect, and the fact that she became more of a recluse, her self harming became worse (in one incident she stumped a cigarette out on her face) and her weight dropped to catastrophic levels in the last few years of her life, only reinforces this.

Obviously Amy Winehouse had many other problems, and I’m not saying these comedians actually killed her, but they certainly made her depression worse and reinforced her worst, most destructive insecurities.

I honestly could not imagine previous generations of comedians doing the same thing to Amy. The likes of Monty Python, Rik Mayall, Lenny Bruce, and even the Goodies, all preferred to punch up instead of down, and wouldn’t have relentlessly attacked someone in such obvious distress. They also generally hated the mainstream media rather than pandered to it..

Image result for bill oddie keith moon jon pertwee

Picture of Bill Oddie, one of the Goodies on stage with Jon Pertwee and Keith Moon, the drummer from The Who. The Goodies are often dismissed by modern comedians and critics as being too twee and safe. Ironically however it was Bill Oddie that got on stage with a famous rock star, and criticised the moral busy bodies like Mary Whitehouse, whilst our modern “edgy” comedians like Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle joined in with the conservative media and busy body’s relentless attack on rock stars like Amy for being bad role models. Had Amy been around in the 70s, I don’t think she would have had as bad a time.

For what they did to Amy alone, I’ll never forgive this generation of comedians, but what makes it even worse is the fact that so many of them are now trying to reimagine themselves as feminists.

Back in the 00s during Amy’s heyday it was trendy for comedians to be nasty. The likes of South Park and Family Guy had made this type of humour popular, though don’t think that means I am lumping South Park and Family Guy in with the likes of Jimmy Carr.

South Park and Family Guy can be very funny and intelligent, though it can’t be denied that they both frequently let themselves down with pathetic, nasty jokes that are more needlessly cruel than funny. A prime example of this can be seen in the entire episode South Park devoted to Barbara Streisand of all people. The jokes in that episode all seemed to centre on Streisand’s looks, (particularly her unconventional big nose) which just came across as shallow bullying rather than making any clever point or criticism.

Still I wouldn’t ever call South Park or Family Guy cowards, as at the very least South Park and Family Guy are willing to attack targets that other comedians, and even the media will not such as Islam and identity politics. (Also neither Seth McFarlane or Matt Stone and Trey Parker have tried to reimagine themselves as feminists or Social Justice Warriors either. Both have at least stuck to their guns about being equal opportunity offenders.)

Still South Park and Family Guy definitely pioneered the much more outrageous, yet personal type of humour, and so the talentless sheep like Jimmy Carr, Eminem and Frankie Boyle followed suit.

Sadly however they lacked South Park or Family Guy’s wit or willingness to genuinely push the boundaries, and so all we got was essentially the worst of South Park’s humour, like the Barbara Streisand episode being parroted by these hacks.

Amy sadly was an easy target, as the comedians could say she deserved this treatment by stigmatizing both addiction and mental illness (as people who suffer from those afflictions clearly didn’t deserve sympathy according to the media.) Added to that the mainstream media would back them up by printing nothing but negative stories about her too.

Flash forward to the 2010s however and its now trendy to be a social justice warrior, championing womens rights and gay rights, and all of these same brave comedians who helped to bully an anorexic, bullimic, manic depressive woman into an early grave, are now promoting themselves as SJWs.

Here is Jimmy Carr smearing former Doctor Who star Peter Davison as sexist, because Davison said that he doesn’t think a woman should play Doctor Who

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It’s hilarious that Jimmy Carr would try and smear anyone as a misogynist after his borderline Jack the Ripper comments about Amy and her dirty vagina. What’s even worse is the fact that his comments about Davison could have negatively affected his career too.

All Peter Davison said about a female Doctor was that he thinks its a shame that little boys lost a positive role model, which is fair enough. You can’t say that a female Doctor should be a role model to little boys, but in order for the Doctor to be a role model to little girls, the character has to be a woman.

For Jimmy Carr to deliberately misinterpret that as Davison saying that no women should be allowed to be Doctors is ridiculous. (Someone should tell Jimmy that William Hartnell, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker and Matt Smith didn’t actually have medical degrees.) Still this type of mud could have easily stuck to Davison and end up becoming received wisdom, causing people to not want to work with him and his reputation to suffer.

Well looks like that female Doctor you were so desperate to see didn’t work out so well Jimmy. Who would have thought? Meanwhile how is that worthless horseface you dismissed as an ugly freak and bad role model to women’s music doing after 10 years?

Back to Black Among Top 5 Best Selling Vinyl Albums of the 21st Century

Katy Brand meanwhile in recent years has regularly spoken about misogyny in comedy. Look at these recent comments from her about how hard it is for female comedians because they are always judged so harshly for their looks.

“It’s not fair, but currently, it’s still part of the package. We live in a world where women are routinely judged on their appearance far more than men, and we also live in a world where some people still don’t like to be confronted by a woman with a brain and a mouth and a direct connection between the two. And the most useful weapon in these people’s arsenal is to try to shut you up by saying you are ugly.

Luckily, these antediluvian morons are slowly dying out or being loudly told to go away, but it still happens all the time. Remember: you are not ugly, they are just trying to make you be quiet. Don’t be quiet. Ever. Unless you are at a funeral or near a baby that has just gone to sleep.”

Here’s a sketch Katy Brand made back in 2008 about Amy, when her mental health problems were spiralling out of control.

Yep, its wrong to call people ugly Katy. (When it suits your career.)

Zoey Lyons meanwhile after winning a trophy for mocking Amy’s mental health problems. Actually has the cheek to now promote mental health awareness. She even appeared at an event called standupfordepression.

See here.

Zoe Lyons on Podcast to Destigmatize Mental Health Awareness

The Edinburgh Fringe Festival that awarded her that trophy, (and therefore made a statement that Amy’s mental health problems were to be laughed at,) have recently begun to promote mental health awareness too.

Mental Health Fringe Awareness Awards

Finally our old friend Frankie Boyle has also recently tried to reinvent himself as an SJW. He hosts a show called Frankie Boyle’s New World Order, where he regularly criticises other people in the media’s misogyny.

Recently on twitter Boyle even retweed a post slating Lawrence Fox as a misogynist, after the actors public crticism of the phrase “White Male Privilege.” Much like with Peter Davison, the current smearing of Fox as a sexist by hack comedians could end up having a disastrous effect on Fox’s career and reputation. The fact that its the same people who just ten years earlier had attempted to make Amy Winehouse, an anorexic woman’s name synonmous with “ugly” just makes you want to be sick.

Boyle had even called for Jeremy Clarkson to be fired from hosting Top Gear in 2015 after the latter made a racist joke.

Its worth noting that Jeremy Clarkson however makes jokes about all races. In this respect his comments aren’t racist, as he treats everybody the same way. Frankie Boyle however does create an unfair pecking order, where certain groups are not allowed to be ridiculed, but others are. Anorexics, victims of child abduction, cancer patients all of which Boyle has ridiculed deserve it apparently, but heaven forbid anyone get offended at Clarkson making a cheap joke about race.

This article I think sums up Frankie Boyle’s hypocrisy and cowardice perfectly.

Frankie Boyle Is a Cowardly Bully

Now fair enough we all change our opinions as we go through life. There are posts of mine from 2016, that I cringe over now. For instance I used to enjoy some of Paul Joseph Watson’s videos, but now I regard him as an utter joke.

This was one of the first videos that made me see what a tit Paul Joseph Watson is. His comments about Milo being a rock star haven’t aged well, though to be fair they were cringey at the time too.

Still if your opinions have changed dramatically, at least admit it. The likes of Jimmy Carr, Katy Brand, and Frankie Boyle however will never admit to having made those disgusting remarks about Amy Winehouse, and other famous, vulnerable women throughout the 00s. What’s worse is that when the pendulum swings backwards and there is a backlash against SJWs and woke culture, Frankie Boyle, Katy Brand and Jimmy Carr will go back to insulting famous women in nasty and misogynistic ways.

They are all the epitome of the old Groucho Marx joke “these are my principles if you don’t like them I’ve got others.”

That’s why its important to call these frauds out, both for Amy’s sake so that what she went through isn’t forgotten, and so that the likes of Boyle, Carr and Brand aren’t able to do the same to anybody else in the future, without being seen as the hypocritical bullies they are.

Image result for Lawrence FoxImage result for Peter Davison

Peter Davison and Lawrence Fox, the true faces of misogyny. At least according to Frankie Boyle and Jimmy Carr. Sure, Boyle and Carr may have taken part in a vile, misogynistic backlash towards a truly talented and inspirational woman, solely for her looks, and mental health problems like anorexia. Boyle may also have made jokes about Kerry Katona (a woman with an eating disorder) being fat, and made jokes about Jordan wanting to rape her blind son. Still at least they didn’t say that a woman can’t play Doctor Who, or criticise the ignorant and racist phrase White Male Privilege.

Donald Trump, Barack Obama and faux anti establishment.

Image result for donald trump

Many modern comedians such as Frankie Boyle and Jimmy Carr will often make out they are anti establishment by criticising powerful political figures such as Donald Trump, or George W Bush.

Now unlike with Amy, I certainly have no problems with criticising the likes of Trump. Whilst I think he was less of a war monger than Hillary Clinton (at least in 2016.) He is still opposed to many things I believe in, such as free healthcare and he is also a flip flopper who has gone back on many of his election promises.

Still whilst Trump may be the President, criticising him is not a brave thing to do. The media despises Trump. It was completely biased against him during the 2016 election, and openly admitted too it.

See here 92 percent of coverage of Trump is negative

Attacking Trump is therefore not the same thing as Monty Python going after religion in the 70s, when it was more of a taboo subject and they actually faced repurcussions, (with Life of Brian being banned in certain areas.)

Slating Trump is an easy, obvious thing to do, hence why every cowardly comedian will fill their act with nothing but Trump jokes. They’re not really being anti establishment. They are just attacking an easy figure head.

In contrast look at how few jokes there were against Barack Obama from comedians. Obama was every bit as bad as Trump for the most part. That’s the point, the President isn’t actually that important. Its the entire system around them that is corrupt, hence why nothing much has changed whether its Clinton, Bush, Obama or Trump. They are all guilty of war crimes, launching regime change wars, and imposing sanctions on other countries. Trump so far ironically has probably done the least on an international level, but that could of course change as he has already launched several reckless attacks against other countries such as Iran and Syria.

Still in the grand scheme of things Obama was certainly not any better than either his republican predecessor or successor.

Obama helped to destablise Libya, which not only threw the country into anarchy, but led to a rise in Isis. He also deported far more people than Trump and ramped up the use of drone strikes from Bush.

See here.

Barack Obama Drone Strikes

Obama the war criminal, and butcher of women and children

Yet all of these edgy comedians were as silent as ghosts when it was Obama commiting the exact same, or worse war crimes than Trump, simply because the media loved Obama.

With this in mind far from being satirists, I think that modernn comedians with their insane hatred of Trump actually end up supporting the corrupt system they claim to rally against.

Trump in the grand scheme of things is irrelevent. He is just another puppet leader for the war hawks around him. Ironically the only reason he became such a hate figure in the first place was because he challenged the war hawks narrative during his 2016 election campaign, and challenged their preferred candidate, the biggest war hawk in American politics, Hillary Clinton. Trump promised to end regime change wars, improve relations with Russia and pull out of the middle east. Of course he has since gone back on most of these promises, which is a genuine reason to hate him. Still even then that just makes him the same as his predecessors.

Making out that Trump is some evil dictator and that all that matters is getting rid of him however, lets those behind the scenes away with it. Now they can dupe the public that everything will be okay, just as long as he is gone, and we get a more presentable President. We saw exactly this with Bush and Obama. Both supported illegal wars, but nobody cared when Obama did it, because he was handsome, the first black President etc.

The majority of Western comedians support and love for Hillary Clinton proves the dangers of their Trump hatred.

Comedians on series such as Saturday Night Live actually tried to paint Hillary’s loss as a bad thing. Fair enough you might think she was the lesser of two evils, (I don’t) but to try and create a positive cult of personality around this war hawk, just because she wasn’t Trump was shameful.

Meanwhile this is what Hillary Clinton actually represents.

With this in mind its a good thing Trump won, not only because of how dangerous Hillary was, but also because if Hillary had won, then the media would have been on her side and so would the edgy satirists. We would have been told how she is a step forward, even as she was continuing the same hawkish policies as Bush and Obama, simply because she was the first female President.

The comedians endorsement of Hillary and other establishment figures in some ways is actually worse than the papers, as everybody expects the papers to not be impartial. Comedians however like Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle will always try and justify their vile remarks about easy targets like Amy Winehouse with “no one is safe.” Turns out they are if they are in with the media like Hillary, which just helps to legitimise Hillary to the general public.

Finally as if that wasn’t enough, most modern comedians don’t even hate Trump for the right reasons.

Ian Hislop, a popular British satirist criticises Trump for his supposed sexism and bigotry. Not once has Hislop mentioned Trump’s spinelessness in standing up for Julian Assange. Assange’s arrest is a threat against free speech, and whistleblowers everywhere. What’s worse is that Trump had previously supported Assange when it benefited him in 2016. Now however he is happy to see Assange tortured and imprisoned.

Yet Hislop, a journalist focuses instead on the fact that Trump said pussy 15 years ago.

Eminem meanwhile, whilst not a comedian, still has the same mindset as most modern comics, and did shoot to fame for making humorous and supposedly outrageous statements in his songs so I feel its important to mention him.

Eminem is a total coward who like most comedians, only goes after people if its trendy or safe.

Want proof? Just look at his diss track against Trump, where he ranted about how intolerant and bigoted Trump is.

See here

I’ma walk inside a mosque on Ramadan
And say a prayer that every time Melania talks

Racism’s the only thing he’s fantastic for
‘Cause that’s how he gets his f*cking rocks off and he’s orange!

Same sh*t that he tormented Hillary for and he slandered
Then does it more
From his endorsement of Bannon
Support from the Klansmen
Tiki torches in hand for the soldier that’s black
And comes home from Iraq
And is still told to go back to Africa
Fork and a dagger in this racist 94-year-old grandpa

The great irony of all this is that Eminem is far more bigoted than Trump. Eminem’s early songs included lyrics about gay people being creepy predators, and torturing gay people.

Again whilst people’s opinions do change, Eminem has tried to justify these vile lyrics by saying that he wasn’t really being homophobic, as he just uses fag as a general insult. Its true that fag was used as a general insult in the 2000s, but when you look at the context of Eminem’s lyrics its very clear the context he was using fag in.

My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That’ll stab you in the head, whether you’re a fag or lez
Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
Pants or dress, hate fags? The answer’s yes
Homophobic? Nah, you’re just heterophobic
Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulgin’
That’s my motherfuckin’ balls, you’d better let go of ’em
They belong in my scrotum, you’ll never get hold of ’em!

See what I mean about how this isn’t like Spike from Buffy calling Xander a poof without thinking. This is a very specific rant about gay men wanting what’s in his balls, and outright admission of hating not just gay men, but all LGBT people. It was done at a time when people were less accepting of gays, and Eminem was clearly trying to cash in on a particular audience.

Furthermore here are some of the lovely things he’s said about women.

I told this bitch in gym class
That she was too fat to swim laps, she need a Slim Fast
(Who? Me?) Yeah, bitch, you so big
You walked into Vic Tanny’s and stepped on Jenny Craig
She picked me up to snap me like a skinny twig
Put me in a headlock, then I thought of my guinea pig
I felt the evilness and started transformin’
It began stormin’, I heard a bunch of cheering fans swarmin’
Grabbed that bitch by her hair, drug her across the ground
And took her up to the highest diving board
And tossed her down
Sorry coach, it’s too late to tell me stop
While I drop this bitch face down and watch her belly flop”

And to think with lyrics like these, it was Amy Winehouse that comedians dog piled on.

With this in mind how can Eminem possibly have any moral high ground when it comes to Trump’s bigotry? How can he possibly claim that Trump is trying to divide us?

Its Eminem, not Trump whose been spewing hateful, violent rhetoric against gay people for over 20 years. Furthermore Eminem claims to hate Trump for picking on and slandering Hillary, a woman, yet he kicked Amy Winehouse into the dirt when she was in a vulnerable position in terms of her personal life and career in 2009.

Tell me Em what was more sexist, and more of a case of punching down? Attacking an anorexic, bullimic woman for her looks in a video watched by millions of people, or attacking a rival Presidential candidate using their own history.

Hillary the war hawk

Eminem doesn’t have a leg to stand on against Trump. When it comes to hatred of women, Trump is a novice compared to Eminem.

Eminem may have had a point against Trump if he was going to attack him for his foreign policy. The problem however is Eminem is too stupid, or lazy to analyse Trump’s foreign policy blunders.

He does mention that Trump will kill us all in a nuclear holocaust, but he doesn’t provide any reason for thinking that other than ORANGE MAN BAD! Furthermore he then goes on to praise Obama and later white knights for Hillary, both of whom helped to tear Libya apart. (Hillary is by far and away the biggest war hawk in all of US politics.)

Libya is a failed state

With all of this in mind its obvious that Eminem’s hatred of Trump is just because its trendy to hate Trump. He literally has no other reason. Its certainly not because Trump is so bigoted, as Eminem when it suits him is partial to a bit of bigotry. Its also not for anything political as Eminem probably couldn’t even name the countries Trump has genuinely antagonised. Much like his bullying of Amy Winehouse and gay people, Eminem’s diss track to Trump is entirely because the media says its trendy to hate Trump.

Islam vs Christianity

Image result for life of brian

Probably the worst example of the modern day comedians cowardice is their refusal to attack Islam.

Now I am not advocating for Muslims to be stigmatised, or for Islam to be attacked more than any other religion. There are specific problems with Islam yes, but that is besides the point.

If comedians do genuinely believe that no target should be off limits, why are there so few jokes about Islam compared to other religions (particularly Christianity and Scientology.)

First of all there is the fear of violent retaliation from Islamic extremists, such as the attack on Charlie Hebdo in 2015. Even then however I feel that is somewhat exaggerated.

If every comedian regularly made jokes about Islam, or if they had all retweeted the Charlie Hebdo cartoons, or the Danish cartoons, then Islamic extremists would lose their power. They couldn’t kill every single comedian in the country could they? When its an isolated, small paper, then its obviously easy to target them. In this respect the Jimmy Carr’s of this world leave the truly brave comedians out in the cold.

Furthermore I think that that comedians are actually more scared of being smeared as racists if they go after Islam. Its not racist to criticise Islam, as Islam is a religion, not a race. Sadly however shallow people in the media will conflate criticism of Islam with racism, simply because many Muslims are dark skinned. Ironically however Muhammed was actually white.

Check out these quotes from the Hadith.

Narrated ‘Abdullah bin Malik: Ibn Buhaina, “When the Prophet prayed, he used to separate his arms from his body so widely that the whiteness of his armpits was visible.

‘Amir b. Sa’d reported: I saw the Messenger of Allah (may peace be open him) pronouncing taslim on his right and on his left till I saw the whiteness of his cheek.

Jurairi reported: I said to Abu Tufail: Did you see Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him)? He said: Yes, he had a white handsome face. Muslim b. Hajjaj said: Abu Tufail who died in 100 Hijra was the last of the Companions of Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him).

Still Islam is seen as the “dark people’s” religion by the media and so it has become immune to criticism.

Ultimately however all these brave and edgy comedians do is stigmatise Muslims. The majority of Muslims in the west are not fanatics, and so whilst they might not like their religion being criticised, they are not goint to react with violence. By making out that all criticism of Islam is off limits however, whilst going after other religions so unapologetically. Comedians end up creating a myth that all Muslims can’t take a joke, which creates a greater resentment towards the Muslim community from the general public, particularly other religious groups.

How are Christians supposed to feel when they see comedians mocking their holy figure, calling all Christians stupid (which they frequently do) and paint Christians as bigots, whilst these same comedians, write articles for the Guardian about Islamopobia.

Frankie Boyle goes as far as to lie to cover up Islam’s failings.

See these quotes from Frankie Boyle.

“People seem concerned to make sure that Islam gets its full share of the blame, so we get the unedifying circus of neocons invoking God as much as the killers. “Well, Isis say they’re motivated by God.” Yes, and people who have sex with their pets say they’re motivated by love, but most of us don’t really believe them.”

“Isis want to destroy the knowledge that Islam is a beautiful, scientific and intelligent culture.”

“The U.S attacking Islam is like a serial killer being annoyed when the people locked in his basement start praying.”

As you can see, Frankie Boyle tries to severe any link between Islam and terrorist groups such as Isis, which is not completely true. There are verses in the Quran which command its followers to attack and subjugate all non Muslims.

Here are some quotes from the Quran that have directly inspired Isis.

“When your Lord revealed to the angels: I am with you, therefore make firm those who believe. I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.”

“The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His messenger and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned; this shall be as a disgrace for them in this world, and in the hereafter they shall have a grievous chastisement,”

“The Prophet said if you anyone doing as Lots People did, kill the one doing it and the one to whom it is done.”

Remind me what is it that Isis do to their enemies and gay men again Frankie?

ISIS release video of beheading

ISIS chop hands off

ISIS Continue To Murder Gay Men

I don’t know, looks like they are chopping people’s heads and hands off just like Muhammed ordered Frankie.

Again this is not to say that all Muslims follow these violent verses, or that there are no violent passages in other holy books like the Old Testament. The difference is Frankie Boyle doesn’t try and cover these passages up and gush about how beautiful and intelligent these others religions are.

For contrast here are his comments on Catholicism.

“You’d think the Catholic Church would be in favour of using condoms as it would mean less priests being caught using DNA tests.”

“The Pope must have done something that even the Catholic Church found unacceptable. My theory is he fucked an adult woman.”

Comedians try and get round this double standard through various lame excuses, such as Dara O’Brien claiming that comedians can’t make jokes about Islam because they don’t know enough about it.

Funny I don’t recall Dara O’Brien extending that same privilege to other groups. Again what about Amy Winehouse? When he let Frankie Boyle call her an ugly, junkie, horse face on his show Mock the Week, did Dara O’Brien pull him up and say “we don’t know enough about addiction, or anorexia, or depression to joke about it.” No he didn’t and I wonder why?

Could it be because again he didn’t have to worry about violent retaliation or social stigma from his London bubble friends?

At the end of the day these cowardly comedians have ironically turned Islam into what Christianity was for the right back in the day.

Its hilarious (far more so than anything Frankie Boyle has ever said in his career.) Almost all modern comedians admire Monty Python and Life of Brian and what it did for free speech.

Back in the 70s it was genuinely brave to attack the Christian faith to the extent that Monty Python did. They were smeared as heretics, Life of Brian was banned in certain areas of the UK as a result.

At the same time however, Life of Brian wasn’t just nasty for no reason. It made valid points about religious dogma, and the hypocrisy of certain groups who claim to follow Christ’s teachings yet carry out acts that would be completely abhorent to him, (such as the famous scene were Brian’s followers murder a helpless old blind man whilst he begs them not too.)

Unlike Frankie Boyle, Monty Python didn’t need to overcompensate and be nasty because they’d picked a good target. Still whilst Frankie Boyle may feel he is carrying on Monty Python’s legacy, in truth he and other cowards like him are carrying on the legacy of those who would have censored the Python’s jokes about Christianity with their craven cowtowing to Islam.

Kicking people when they are down

Image result for Eminem michael jackson

Eminem a brave funny man who called Michael Jackson a pedo when he was alive, only to praise him as a misunderstood genius after his death.

Its not just a question of modern comedians are too shit scared to go after genuinely unpopular targets like Islam, or Barack Obama, or identity politics, or even that they only go after safe targets. They will all also dogpile on people when they are at their lowest eb.

We’ve already seen how they may very well have helped to drive Amy Winehouse to an early grave, but there are many more examples of comedians kicking someone when they are down.

Kerry Katona, a popular British pop star who suffered from body issues and severe depression wwas a frequent target of Frankie Boyle’s back in the day. He would regularly ridicle her weight problems and her looks on almost every episode of the dire panel show, Mock the Week.

What increase in population will Kerry Katona be responsible for by the time her womb finally succumbs to the ravages of  time and chicken drumsticks?’…..

Similarly Britney Spears much like Amy Winehouse suffered from severe mental health problems and was routinely ridiculed in nasty ways by the mainstream media and comedians for those problems and her looks.

Comedians would always argue that the likes of Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, and Kerry Katona were fair game because of their mental health problems, which not only stigmatises mental health, but also doesn’t hold up under much scrutiny either.

None of these comedians ever went after Kate Moss in the same way. Kate Moss also had problems with drugs and alcohol and an on again, off again relationship with Pete Doherty, yet there were never anywhere near as many vicious remarks about her. There were plenty of jokes about her drug taking, but never horrible drawn out remarks about her looks in quite the same way.

The reason for that was because to start with Kate Moss was more conventional looking. Whilst Amy Winehouse was strikingly beautiful when she was healthy, (far more beautiful than Kate Moss in my opinion) she was still always unconventional with her darker looks, long nose and face, and tatoos.

Image result for amy winehouse beautifulImage result for kate moss

You can see how of the two of them, Kate Moss has the more conventional looks. Similarly Kerry Katona whilst again not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, was somewhat curvier than most modern pop stars. Britney Spears meanwhile when suffering her breakdown did things like shave her head which obviously made her appear more unconventional than Kate Moss.

Furthermore Kate Moss never looked as though she was in severe distress either. Whilst she may have had a wild lifestyle, we never saw her break down in tears, be rushed to hospital for a suicide attempt, or even publicly mention that she had bullimia.

Moss therefore was not a vulnerable target that the media and comedians together could really upset and bully in quite the same way. Kate Moss also wasn’t frequently voted ugliest woman of the year by the papers, and magazines like FHM and Maxim like Amy Winehouse was, so again that made Amy a much better target than Kate Moss.

Its not just celebrities however that comedians will kick when they are down. The classic British sci fi series Doctor Who was a prime example during the 90s and the 00s.

Doctor Who was the worlds longest running sci fi series. It lasted from 1963-1989 originally. During its heyday, Doctor Who was arguably the most popular British series in the world.

Sadly however it suffered a fall from grace in the mid to late 80s. Whilst there were some problems with the production team, ultimately the real reason Doctor Who came to an end in the 80s was because the heads of the BBC at that time, Michael Grade and Jonathan Powell despised the show.

Both of them slashed the shows budget, causing it to always look cheap and poorly made. (They both then slated its special effects in the media.) Both also put the show on hiatus in 1985 out of pure dislike. Its viewers were nowhere near low enough for cancellation, and far from being a show that the public were tired of, there was a national outrage after it was taken off. (It made the front page of the papers, and there were hundreds of thousands of complaints to Michael Grade.)

Grade and Powell were forced to simply put Doctor Who on a hiatus, the backlash was so strong. They had originally cancelled it completely.

The two also ensured that it had no publicity, fired its leading man Colin Baker (and in doing so not only went against his contract, but left producer John Nathan Turner with just a few months to get the new series made, with a new Doctor.)

Grade also forced JNT and the production team to make the show lighter and sillier in 7th Doctor Slyvester McCoy’s first year. Grade said this was to counteract claims the show had been too violent, but it was just to undermine the show. After Grade left at the end of McCoy’s first series, the show used a much darker characterisation for the 7th Doctor, that the production team had wanted from the start.

Powell also told producer John Nathan Turner to not pursue legal proceedings against former script editor, Eric Saward after the latter had slandered him in the press. Powell openly admitted that this was terrible advice and only advised JNT against pursuing legal action because “he hoped it would be another nail in his coffin” Powell was even on record as stating “I hoped John Nathan Turner would fuck off and die.”

As if that wasn’t enough, Grade and Powell also placed the show on at the same time as Coronation Street (which was getting over 30 million viewers at that time. In one instance they placed Doctor Who opposite both Coronation Street and an England qualifier for the World Cup, which not surprisingly saw Doctor Who’s viewers drop to the lowest they had ever been.)

Finally Powell and Grade also raised the prices of 7th Doctor stories to the highest they had ever been, which effectively killed the massive overseas following the show had developed over the years.

With all of this in mind, Doctor Who in the 80s really didn’t have a chance, regardless of the quality of the show. Its worth noting that whilst the 80s does contain some weak seasons, towards the end, it is generally agreed that the show saw a marked improvement.

Many stories from the last two seasons such as Remembrance of the Daleks and Curse of Fenric and Survival have proven to be hugely popular in the decades since. Both Remembrance and Curse were voted among the greatest Doctor Who stories of all time in the 00s. Remembrance has also proven to be one of the best selling stories on video and later DVD.

Still thanks to the smear campaign, the shows viewers tanked and finally in 1989 Doctor Who was cancelled.

Throughout the next decade or so whilst the show still remained hugely popular on video and later DVD, the media would regularly slate it as an embarassment that deserved to be cancelled. Comedians on panel shows would of course join in and regularly show clips from the very worst episodes to humiliate the series.

Without doubt the worst example was when Paul Merton, a popular British comedian put Doctor Who into Room 101 at the behest of Michael Grade himself.

You can see how modern comedians love to punch down with this in mind. This isn’t just a case of a comedian makes a cheap joke about Doctor Who and fans of the show can’t take it. This is the man who did everything he could to kill the show, and acted in the most unpofessional manner when doing so, being allowed to present a totally one sided case and gloat to its fans about how he was right, and make out to subsequent generations that he was. He went against Colin Baker’s contract when firing him, he took the show off when it was still making massive money for the BBC.

On top of that his actions also ruined the careers of many people involved in Doctor Who, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy and John Nathan Turner. Though Colin and McCoy’s careers would recover in the decades after, JNT’s never did.

For Paul Merton, an edgy comedian to kick Doctor Who when it was in such a vulnerable position was really low, but to actually have the guy who unfairly killed it gloat and only show bad clips to back up his point, and laugh alone while he basically went “HA HA HA HA I KILLED IT AND ITS STILL A JOKE HA HA HA” is a level of punching down that might actually eclipse the smear campaign against Amy Winehouse.

Again whilst previous comedians may have made jokes about things like Star Trek, and Doctor Who, they didn’t kick it when it was down to such an extent as to bring the guy who finished it in to gloat to an audience of millions.

Its made worse by the fact that after Doctor Who returned to television in 2005, and became a media darling once again. Paul Merton would later praise it. He even appeared in a Doctor Who themed advert for Have I Got News For You. Then again you wouldn’t expect a modern comedian’s opinions to not be sanctioned by the press would you?

Conclusion

As you can see modern comedians love to punch down, and are really bullies whose idea of being edgy is just to be nasty to acceptable targets.

Their opinions always have to be sanctioned by the majority and they have been responsible for reinforcing nasty opinions and untruths to the general public.

I think its high time these comedians were called out regularly for their spinelessness. It annoys me the way people will always go on about hating the press, yet modern comedians who are just an extension of the press are always let off.